


A Twist Of Fate

by Not_a_Mastermind



Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, M/M, Mentions of Death, OC family members - Freeform, various religious views
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-18
Updated: 2014-06-18
Packaged: 2018-02-05 04:05:03
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 29,446
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1804648
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Not_a_Mastermind/pseuds/Not_a_Mastermind
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Jensen starts college under the name Ross Tailer he meets Jared Tristan and the two have an instant connection. As time goes on and they grow closer secrets are reviled and a connection that drew them together could tear them apart. They are more connected then they thought by the horrible tragedy that happen ten years ago when Jared almost lost his life to Jensen’s brother in a shooting that left both men scared. Can hope for a future rise from the ashes of the past and can two deeply hurt men help heal each other or send them over the edge?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I don’t own or know any of the people mentioned in this fic and am making no monetary gain. I don’t have any knowledge of personal opinions and those contained in this fic are all completely fictional. This fic is completely fictional as are situations and opinions, no offense or bias is made out of malice and are here purely to move the story in its direction.
> 
> This is a fic written for Livejournal's SPN_J2_bigbang and is my first fic for this challange!
> 
> This fic is beta'd by conoroberst and nerdyglasses247 who stepped up and helped me when I was in desperate need and my original beta droped off the face of the earth. Thank you two so so much without you I don't know what I would have done you are both awesome! Also thank you to m14mouse for the amazing and beautiful art! Seriously well done I could cry.
> 
> Art is found here  
> http://m14mouse.livejournal.com/87378.html  
> It is great go check it out! So pretty!

> **A Twist of Fate Part 1**
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
> 1996
> 
> CNN – December 18, 1996
> 
> Dallas, Texas
> 
> **_TRAGIC MASS SHOOTING AT LOCAL MALL_ **
> 
> The community of Dallas was shocked by the event of a lone gunman who went on a shooting spree inside a local mall days before Christmas.
> 
> Reports by police so far have a young man storming into the food court around the time of the usual dinner rush and opening fire with two handguns. There may have been a target in mind but that has yet to be confirmed. Several people were wounded and there are fatalities but police are refusing details on the subject right now.
> 
> The gunman appeared to be well armed and refused to surrender to police who engaged him when he continued his assault. The gunman was fatally shot by the police who have yet to reveal his identity. More answers to come later in the broadcast.
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
> USA Today – December 20, 1996
> 
> Dallas, Texas
> 
> **_DEATH TOLL RISES IN MALL SHOOTING_ **
> 
> The death toll of the Christmas mall shooting rose last night as another victim succumbed to injuries in the hospital. This brings the official death toll to eleven with two victims still in critical condition and one in a coma. A few others are stable and will be released today. A memorial service will be held tomorrow outside the mall and a prayer group will meet at the hospital after to pray for the still struggling victims. The public has shown great support for the local families affected and are welcome to attend the memorial and prayer meeting. A full list of the victims that were fatally shot has been approved for release.
> 
> Thomas Parker age 17
> 
> Carlos Mendez age 17
> 
> Jason Roberts age 16
> 
> Lisa Roberts age 17
> 
> Aaron McGill age 18
> 
> Tiffany Seitter age 16
> 
> William Derby age 18
> 
> Derek Mills age 22
> 
> Greg Embey age 17
> 
> Michael Smith age 26
> 
> Steven Babent age 18
> 
> Still in critical condition are Charles Nesent age 17 and Jared Padalecki age 17 while the youngest victim Lacy Addams age 9 is still in a coma.
> 
> Police are still investigating the gunman Daniel Ackles age 20 and his reasons for this horrible crime.
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
> CNN – December 18, 1997
> 
> Dallas, Texas
> 
> **_ONE YEAR AFTER MASS SHOOTING AT LOCAL MALL AND LIFE IS MOVING FORWARD_ **
> 
> On the one year anniversary of the Christmas mass shooting a community still remembers and mourns but is moving forward. The mall formally Dallas Way Mall was renamed Plains Kids mall in honor of the young lives cut short here one year ago. After the shooting the mall went through a large renovation to change the look in hopes of easing the memories of the shooting and to add more security to ensure that nothing like the tragedy that played out could happen again.
> 
> The family of two of the victims, cousins Greg Embey and Jared Padalecki were present at the renaming however Jared Padalecki was not. CNN reached out to the family but only got the comment that Jared was doing well and didn’t wish to remember the tragedy instead looking forward to the future. They thanked everyone that had attended for all the support they had received after the tragedy and the year following. The Ackles’s family could not be reached to comment on the events past or present.
> 
>  
> 
> **********
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
> 2006
> 
> Jensen can’t help starting at the guy at the bar trying to get his large hands around several bottles of beer. The guy was tall, taller than him with a lean body, shaggy brown hair that fell over his ever so slightly slanted eyes and dimples when he smiled. He watched as the guy finally got ahold of all the bottles and headed over to a booth table towards the back of the bar. The table was occupied by several other people who thanked him cheerfully and grabbed up the bottles he set on the table. The guy squeezed into the booth and the girl he had displaced as he crowded in gave a squeal and smacked at his arm before patting it as if to sooth the hurt and turned back to the guy on her opposite side. They were all talking and laughing and seemed not to have a care in the world and he felt both jealous and sad at not having anyone with whom he could share company and talk with. He watched them with frequent glances for a while as he drank until his beer ran out and he was about to get up and leave when the guy he’d noticed and admired from before got up from the booth and headed for the bar but stopped at his table instead.
> 
> He flushed when he realized he must have been caught watching and the guy must have been sent over to tell him to shove off. Instead the guy took the seat across from him and gave him a shy smile.
> 
> “Can I buy you a beer?”
> 
> He just started at the guy for a minute before opening his mouth and then closing it when nothing came out. He realized he must look like an idiot when the guys smile went away and he got wrinkles in his forehead as if thinking hard. “Uh,” he managed to get out before getting himself all back together and finding the courage that the previous beer must have given him. “Yes, that would be nice as long as you join me for that beer.”
> 
> The smile was back on the guys face, only this time it was big with the dimples out in full force. The guy practically fell off the stool in his haste to leave for the bar and very animatedly flag down the bar tender. They guy returned shortly with the beers, both the kind he had been drinking before.
> 
> “I’m Jared,” the guy introduced himself as he set the beer down in front of Jensen and sat back on the stool opposite.
> 
> “Ross,” he took the beer and tipped it towards Jared, “and thanks.” They drank for a moment in silence looking at each other and he knew it he was turning red faced under Jared’s gaze.
> 
> “Do you come here a lot? I haven’t seen you before.” Jared asked him and it was kinda cute hearing that particular pick up line from someone who looked like they got used on him.
> 
> “No, I just moved into town,” he considered Jared before he went on. “I’m going to the college down the road.” At twenty six most people were finishing college, not just starting and the few people he had told so far, had looked at him in curiosity and annoyance.
> 
> “Me too, well not the moving part, but the college part.” Jared sat up almost as straight as a board. “I’ve never seen you around campus did you transfer in? What are you taking?”
> 
> He decided he felt comfortable enough around Jared to tell him the truth which was a little surprising as he didn’t usually feel comfortable around someone until he really got to know them. “I’m just starting really, thinking about majoring in psychology.”
> 
> “That’s cool, I’m on my second year” Jared doesn’t seem to be put off by the fact that he is just beginning, “I’m going to be a teacher.”
> 
> He tries to picture it in his head, Jared in front of a class of little kids then, middle aged kids then, teenagers. The thought brings a smile to his lips and makes Jared laugh.
> 
> “There it is! I knew you had a great smile in there somewhere. I kept thinking to myself, hey that hot guy would look even better if his frown was turned upside down.”
> 
> The comment makes him flush all over again and he thinks Jared is going to ensure that he stays permanently red tonight. “Keep talking like that and I won’t let you buy my another beer,” he keeps the smile on his face as he says it.
> 
> Jared laughs and takes a big swig of his own beer, “no promises but I can try and keep the beer coming.”
> 
> “That’s a deal,” he swigs his own beer and continues to smile. They drink and chat about starting college later than their peers, how much homework is going to suck and Jared fills him in on all of the sports teams and if they are worth rooting for. The time passes quickly as they talk and drink switching off on who gets the next round.
> 
> They are interrupted by the alarm of Jared’s watch and he groans as he turns it off. “Man I am going to be in so much trouble tomorrow.”
> 
> “Why?” he hopes he isn’t going to be the cause of any of the afore mentioned trouble. He likes Jared, probably a lot more then he should with how little time they have known each other.
> 
> “I set my alarm to go off when it’s time to go to bed so I don’t over study and I can get enough sleep to not be a zombie the next day. I leave it set on Sunday even though I don’t study so I can still get some sleep. I hate to have to run but if I leave now by the time I get back to my apartment and get into bed I can be a semi functioning zombie tomorrow. But just so you don’t think I am ditching you for my super soft bed which is better than your dorm mattress, I will give you my number.” Jared talks fast for a half drunk guy and still has that dimpled smile on his face.
> 
> It takes a moment for him to digest Jared’s verbal overload and when he does looks at his own watch and winces at the time. “Sure I’ll take your number,” he pulls out his phone, “but, just for that mattress comment I won’t call you until Tuesday.” He smiles smugly as Jared grins again and lowers his head to hit it gently on the table a few times before sitting back up and grabbing the proffered cell phone and programing his number in.
> 
> “I hope to see you again soon Ross” Jared says as he hands the phone back and gets up to go. Jared waves at him from the door before he steps out into the night. With Jared gone he gets up and makes his own way out into the street and back to his dorm. When he had entered the bar he had felt a little apprehensive about starting college on Monday, now he thinks he is very much looking forward to school on Monday.
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
> 1996
> 
> Jensen is excited about going to school on Monday for the first time in years. At sixteen he is now a sophomore and will be on the official high school campus. Because of budgeting and construction he had spent his freshman year in a set of tiny portal or pod like shaped classrooms built in previous open spaces between the other classrooms on the junior high campus. This year he would be bussed to the city limits where a brand new high school had been built to house not only the students from his previous school but those of an over run school in the town over. This was a new a start for Jensen, a chance to meet new kids and use his newly developed self. He was going into this school a blank slate for the most part and would have the opportunity to really start his life.
> 
> For one most of the kids he had gone to school with wouldn’t be with him so the stigma they held for him wouldn’t be present with the new kids and couldn’t spread as fast as his new image. Second he wouldn’t be going to school with his older brother who had graduated last year. As much as he loved his brother having Daniel around would have been hard to deal with. Third and most important was his new image and attitude of himself.
> 
> Jensen was not the most sociable of people and his looks, attitude and home life hadn’t helped. Jensen was his parent’s second son and a mistake as far as they were concerned. They had married when Daniel was born and stayed that way because it was easier financially and socially and they wouldn’t have to fight about who got Daniel and when. Jensen had been a surprise to the both of them and they had more or less resigned to having him. Daniel had been his best friend and semi parent growing up making them really close and that had been fine until a year or so ago. Daniel had begun acting strange, starting off into nothing sometimes and mutter to no one as if someone were there. Jensen helped him keep it together when things got really bad with Daniel but it was getting harder to do. Also now that Daniel was old enough to get a job and leave, his parents were getting restless. With one kid on the verge of leaving and the other almost grown up they felt they could now have free reign to fight very loudly all the time and do whatever they wanted whenever they wanted including drink, not work, and leave for unknown periods of time.
> 
> Whatever friends Jensen had managed to make when he had first started school had faded away over the years and he had buried himself in learning and Daniel to make up for it. Now he had the chance to make some new friends, friends who might invite him over or that he could meet up with elsewhere and not have to bring home so they wouldn’t know about his family. Friends who had not heard the gossip around town about his parents or about Daniel’s growing problems.
> 
> Over the summer he had managed to get a job and save up the money to buy some new clothes instead of wearing Daniel’s hand-me-downs. He also bought a new backpack and school supplies instead of his old kiddy pack and duct tape wrapped binder. Also gone with the hand-me-downs were his bulky black frame glasses and in their place he got the contacts he had begged his parents for, for years paying part of the cost. He had let his hair grow out over the summer so that it now almost brushed his shoulders and he had dyed it blonde. His new look helped to boost his confidence and would help him keep his new attitude that things were good and he could be a good friend if given the chance.
> 
> Also over the summer he had finally realized and admitted to himself that he was gay. This revelation came when Daniel pointed out that he had spent more time starting at Thomas Parker rather than Lisa Roberts when they were at the pool or anywhere else for that matter. Being gay in Texas was not easy and he would keep that to himself but at least he knew who he was and what he liked. Being sure of himself even if he had to hide part of it from others made him more comfortable and mellow at least with himself and he hoped it would keep some of the shyness he usually exhibited at bay.
> 
> He couldn’t wait to go to school and try out being his new self and making friends on Monday.
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
> 2006
> 
> Jensen was surprised to see Jared again so soon as he walked into his third class of the day on Monday. He knew Jared was going to the same school as him, hoped that maybe they might see each other on campus, but he had never expected to see him in one of his classes. It seemed Jared hadn’t expected it either as he looked up from talking with the teacher at the podium in the front of the room and saw him looking startled before smiling. He felt a flush creep up the back of his neck and over his cheeks before grabbing a seat somewhere in the middle of the room. Jared didn’t get the chance to talk to him before class started as he was waylaid by other students trying to get his attention. Jared as it turned out was Jared Tristan the TA for human psychological disorders 101. That meant that he would see Jared every Monday and Wednesday for the whole trimester. He isn’t sure how he feels about that but can’t concentrate on it as syllabuses are handed out along with a reading list and the first weeks assignments before the teacher begins his lecture. When it’s over and the teacher dismisses them he is out the door in record time still not wanting to confront Jared again.
> 
> It isn’t until the end of the day that he decided he’d give Jared that call they agreed on. When he sleeps that night, he dreams of the past and wakes up grumpy the next morning and goes for a double shot of coffee instead of his self set limit of one for budgetary reasons deciding he can skip desert for the week if he can have his coffee. All day through classes the thought of calling Jared is pressing at the back of his mind and he has to really concentrate on his classes. When the day is over he finds a bench on campus in an area that miraculously isn’t populated with students and pulls out his cellphone. He sits with his thumb over the call button while getting up the courage to actually push the button. What if Jared doesn’t want to talk to him after he so pointedly brushed him off yesterday? What if Jared was mad at him or didn’t think he was worth the effort and ignored his call? He debated for several minutes before he finally pushed the button and put the phone to his ear, holding his breath.
> 
> It rang so long he thought Jared wasn’t going to pick up and he hadn’t thought about if he should leave a voice message or not. He is about to hang up when all of a sudden a rushed “hello?” startles him into almost dropping the phone and letting out his breath.
> 
> “Um, it’s Tuesday so I am calling” he blurts out. He belatedly thinks Jared might not recognize his voice “Oh yeah it’s me, Ross Tailer, from the bar, that’s me. God I sound like an idiot! Oh shit did I say that out loud, shit can I hang up, call back and try again?” He rushes his thoughts out in verbal diarrhea. He hears deep, wild, laugher from the other end of the phone and wishes he now had a table, or better yet a wall, to bang his head on.
> 
> “Man I am so glad you called, I thought you didn’t want to talk to me after class on Monday.” Jared manages to wheeze out after a minute of laughter in which he thinks of hanging up on.
> 
> “I told you on Sunday I wouldn’t talk to you till Tuesday,” he mutters into the phone.
> 
> “No you said you wouldn’t call, not that you wouldn’t talk to me…then again I don’t think we planned on seeing each other on Monday. It must be fate, we were just meant to be.” Jared sounds smug and he bets Jared is smiling that wide dimpled smile.
> 
> “Yeah sure just keep telling yourself that,” he shoots back a smile coming to his own lips.
> 
> “So do you think you would like to talk to me tomorrow or am I going to have to make an appointment in your busy schedule to talk to you again?” Jared teases and he snorts.
> 
> “I don’t know I might be able to fit you in on Friday comedy nights,” he teases right back and hears a muffled thump before Jared replies.
> 
> “I think I’ve been wounded, oh my poor heart!” Jared sounds breathy like an overly drawn out death scene, breathing loud and panting.
> 
> “Fine I guess I can squeeze you in but it will have to be short I have ethics after psych disorders and Mr. Miller likes to take attendance and doesn’t like tardy people.”
> 
> “Ew” Jared sounds appropriately appalled at the teachers very high demands. “Man, that is just wrong on so many levels. Okay, so how about you squeeze me in after class and we work out weather or not you can find the time to hang out with me some time. Maybe that comedy Friday if I have to.”
> 
> He bites his bottom lip in a habit he hasn’t been able to break since he was a kid as he thinks about it. “Okay that will work no guaranties on Friday but we’ll talk tomorrow.”
> 
> “Yeah, great I’ll see you in class then” Jared is quick to answer “and thanks again for actually calling if I didn’t say it already.”
> 
> “You’re welcome,” he fakes being serious then sighs, “bye Jared.”
> 
> “Bye Ross,” Jared replies before he hangs up.
> 
> Getting up he heads to the on-campus cafeteria then back to his dorm room, lost in thought as he goes. He thinks about Jared and what tomorrow might bring. Jared had been nice enough so far and their conversation had gone well, even better than he had expected. He has been weary of meeting new people for so long that the ease of which Jared has gotten to him so fast is dizzying. He thinks he could consider Jared a friend with only the two short talks they have had. Jared is so friendly and open that anything bad about him can’t be too serious and if there is anything bad, he hopes he doesn’t ever see it or have to deal with it. His life fell apart ten years ago and he is still trying to put the pieces back together and fears anything major, or enough minor things, could just scatter the pieces away again. He is taking a big chance with Jared but something inside feels right to him and for once in a long time he will try and listen to it. Maybe he can finally break away from the past, after all things can’t ever be as bad as they were before right?
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
> 1996
> 
> Jensen hated school and couldn’t wait for the winter break to come so he could stay at home, not that home right now was much better. When school had first started in August he had been so excited but as time went on things had turned sour. He had managed to make what he thought were a few friends and things had appeared to be going well.
> 
> Then his dad had been arrested and they had to move into an apartment while he did a month’s worth of jail. Daniel also seemed to be getting worse and had been fired from his job very publicly. His new classmates had started talking and speculating and his old classmates were only too happy to share the past gossip. Then, disaster hit as a boy named Greg from his science class had somehow figured out he wasn’t as straight as he pretended to be.
> 
> In order to get him to admit it, Greg and some others had put together a plan to trick him and he had fallen right into their trap. Tiffany Seitter whom he helped tutor in math had told him that Thomas Parker was caught feeling up Jason Roberts, the brother of his girlfriend Lisa and his football team mates Carlos Mendez and Aaron McGill had suspected him of being gay from locker room behavior. She felt bad for Lisa and by some extent Jason for being used but if Thomas was gay he would need someone who could understand him and since he was so smart, he could talk to Thomas. He had considered and agreed, thinking he could try to help Thomas feel better with himself if he was gay, and if not just say he knew from books and try and kill the crush he had on the older boy.
> 
> He had met up with Thomas on a Saturday in the coaches office, long after football practice was over. He had been so nervous and hopeful that he hadn’t quite registered the way Thomas danced around the word gay and never implied that he was. But Jensen had said it, had admitted it and had been horrified to find out moments later when Thomas declared him to be a disgusting little faggot and that the intercom had been on and he had just been tricked into outing himself to the whole team, their girlfriends and various other classmates that had been invited to come share in the ‘fun’. Everyone had laughed at him and called him names and the football team had beaten him up, not badly enough to get in any real serious trouble but enough to be painful and keep his silence. It had been so humiliating all he had wanted to do was curl up and pretend he was invisible or didn’t exist.
> 
> That had been two weeks ago and since then he has been the black sheep of the school, no one wants to talk to him, be seen around with him or even look at him. Whatever friends he thought he had made have deserted him and even teachers seem to be turning a blind eye to him and how he is treated, the bullying, name calling and occasional light but still very painful beating. He is spiraling into depression and he isn’t sure if he will be able to pull himself up as his parents are no help and Daniel has been acting even weirder as of late. He just doesn’t want to go to school anymore, doesn’t want to do much of anything any more but curl up and go to sleep for a long long time.
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
> 2006
> 
> Wednesday starts off as normal as any Wednesday can and his first two classes go well. Then it’s time for Psych Disorders 101 and there is Jared, at the front of the class just like on Monday talking with the teacher. When Jared spots him he smiles but makes no attempt to come over and engage him and it helps settle his nerves. Class goes much as it had on Monday minus the introductory bit and he takes many notes. When the lecture is over he gets nervous again as the teacher releases them. He waits for some of the other students to talk to Jared and Jared appears to answer them all rather quickly as he makes his way over. They seem to take the hint and soon it’s just him and Jared as the last stragglers leave.
> 
> “So Ross, how does the schedule look?” Jared smiles at him and he flips open his note book and pretends to study it hard.
> 
> “Very busy but, I think there was a cancelation and I can fit you in.”
> 
> “Ah, fate strikes again,” Jared looks heavenward for a moment. “Do you think we could do drinks again?”
> 
> “That sounds fine as long as I’m home before curfew,” he looks at his watch and taps it with a finger for emphasis.
> 
> “Oh will you turn into a pumpkin if I keep you out too late?” Jared’s eyes sparkle as he smiles, wide enough it looks like it might start hurting at any moment.
> 
> “No, and that was the coach not the chick and I don’t have a car anyway.”
> 
> “No car?” Jared looks at him puzzled for a moment then shrugs “alright then. Do you want it to be just us or can we join some friends of mine? You saw them on Sunday at the bar with me, and I’ve already told them I might be with you and they want to meet you.”
> 
> He goes cold all of a sudden and a small shiver goes down his spine. Normally he is very shy and nervous about meeting new people, Jared being a freak of nature is an exception that he has no idea how happened. But meeting a whole group of people who Jared likes and told about him? And what on earth could he tell them in such a short notice of time? What happens if he meets them and they don’t like him, would Jared not want to be around him to please his friends?
> 
> Jared must see the worry or picks up on his hesitancy because he tries to back pedal and calm him down. “You don’t have to it was just a suggestion, but I think you would get along with them. We don’t even have to go to the same bar if you don’t want to we could go somewhere else.”
> 
> He feels bad the for making Jared potentially miss out on seeing his friends no matter how much he wants to have those beers with Jared. “It’s okay we can go to the same bar,” he bites at his lip still thinking about if he wants to meet Jared’s friends. Jared makes a decision for him instead.
> 
> “Why don’t we go and hang out and I’ll spend the evening with you and if they wander over I can introduce you to them one at a time and if you like em we can sit with them, if not it will be just us okay?” Jared looks at him with concern and it makes him feel a little easier.
> 
> “Alright that sounds good,” he thinks that maybe it might work.“Friday around six? Need to get some study time in,” he watches as Jared’s face lights up with agreement.
> 
> “Perfect, I’ll see you then, and you better hustle if you want to make it to your next class on time.” Jared says opening the door for him.
> 
> He rushes off to his next class and just barely makes it to his seat on time.
> 
> ****
> 
> Jared couldn’t believe his luck in gaining the attention of the totally hot guy at the bar on Sunday. His friends had teased him about it and Sandy had dared him to go over and say hi. He hadn’t wanted to until Chad had insulted his manliness and dared him. So he decided he was going to do it and if he was going to say hi, he was going to do it in a big way. Seating himself across from the guy, he took in just how hot the guy really was. Short dark blonde hair, very green eyes framed by lashes a woman would envy, a nose that was dusted with sexy looking freckles and plush lips, and his lean body wasn’t anything to sneer at either. He was surprised when he guy, Ross, as he introduced himself didn’t tell him to shove off and instead accepted the beer he’d offered. They had talked for a few hours and Jared felt an instant connection and was sad to have to leave. But he managed to get Ross to agree to call him and hoped he would see Ross around campus. He was one year ahead of Ross and they were taking completely different classes so he doubted they would have any together.
> 
> On Monday his brain was almost fried from shock as Ross walked into the psych class he was TAing for. It disappointed him however that he didn’t get the chance to talk to Ross before class started and Ross had practically fled as soon as the teacher had dismissed them after. So, when on Tuesday he answered the phone after his late afternoon work out he almost fell over when he heard Ross’s voice on the other end. It turned out Ross had a sense of humor which he could appreciate, it bordered on flirting which was also awesome but, was just relived that Ross had called him. Ross was willing to talk to him again and he felt re-energized when he had hung up. He had jogged all the way to Sandy’s apartment to talk to her about it. Sandy was one of his closest friends besides Chad who knew all about him and unlike Chad, she would listen and give him advice without mocking him.
> 
> He was an outgoing guy and made friends easily but didn’t really let them get to close. He had a feeling that he would like to have Ross close, very close and that excited and worried him just a bit. Ten years ago he had had a life changing experience and since then he lived in the moment and for the future going after what he wanted as life was too damn short not to. Ross was very much in the moment and he hoped would be in his in the future. Sandy was on her way out when he arrived and offered to drive him back to his place and they could talk on the way as she couldn’t be late to her appointment. He had a lot of energy left but decided he would clean the apartment for a change to finish working off the energy he had and accepted the ride. Mostly he gushed about Ross and seeing him again and how would he see him in the future, outside of class of course. Sandy had suggested when he was getting out of her car that he get Ross to go out for drinks with them and he turned the idea over all the while he cleaned the apartment. He decided he would and was so wound up it was hard to sleep that night even after the vigorous cleaning the whole place had gotten and his workout and run to Sandy’s.
> 
> On Wednesday he made no more to talk to Ross before class, as Ross looked a little nervous. Getting to him after the lecture took a moment but it wasn’t too long until he had Ross alone. Ross was just as funny as before until he brought up the idea of meeting his friends the Ross seemed nervous biting at his bottom lip and shivering. He almost didn’t know what to make of the sudden change in Ross but wanted to sooth him over it. In the end Ross agreed to the idea of meeting his friends and he would make sure that his friends were behaved and took their time to meet Ross one at a time. His friends were no saints but he figured that they could do this for him and as soon as Ross got to know them they could let loose again. In fact the idea of an open and funny Ross with his zany friends had him smiling for the rest of the day. He decided he would also bring Ross up in his therapy group on Thursday as if things went his way Ross would end up knowing about it and he wanted a jump start on that particular conversation.
> 
> ****
> 
> There is an extra credit group project for Jensen’s Tuesday and Thursday psychological therapy class and he thinks he would like to do it. There is an on campus group therapy session Thursday evenings for people who have experienced a traumatic event or loss due to a traumatic event. He fits in both categories but will stick with traumatic loss if he has to share anything. He won’t go into great detail about the events he has experienced just in case someone recognizes him or connects the dots to his facts and the event in question. It’s been ten years but to some people it’s not long enough or never will be, not that he expects to run into anyone from Dallas Texas who was there at the time and just happened to be out here in California but one can never be too cautious. He ends up running just a little late as he stopped for food on the way not knowing when the therapy meeting would end and have had lunch hours ago. He rushes in and takes the first open seat close to the door and sets his school bag down as quietly as possible before looking up and at the group for the first time. He had no illusions he would be met with looks of suspicion and annoyance for being new and late but almost falls out of his seat when his eyes land on Jared seated almost across from him in the circle the chairs form.
> 
> He knows that Jared doesn’t have any other psych classes beside the one he TA’s for and he can’t get extra credit for that so he must be here for the therapy and he wonders if he should leave when a woman in her fifties clears her throat and gets his attention. He recognizes her from the flyer his teacher had given him for this therapy session. Samantha Farris is a licensed psychologist and an alumni of the college who gives her time here on Thursdays to help and inspire the students.
> 
> “Welcome to trauma therapy if you would, would you give us your name and why you are here, you don’t have to be too specific if you don’t want to and you don’t have to share anything with us until you feel comfortable but you can if you feel up to it, we don’t judge here.” Samantha smiles warmly at him and it somehow puts him a little more at ease. “I’m Samantha but you can call me Sam and I am here because I lost my husband to a drunk driver, I was also in the car with him.”
> 
> “I’m Ross and uh,” he hesitates for a second looking around at all the faces of the people looking at him. “I am here because of my psych therapy class but also because I lost my brother.”
> 
> “Ah yes, you are not the first student to come here” Sam addresses him before looking around the group “you all know about the students visits like med students and teaching students shadow professionals if you don’t see me after the session. I will also remind Ross of the rules of sitting in on therapy sessions for class. If you don’t feel comfortable with this you are free to leave but talk to me after the session or give me a call and we can try and work something out.” When no one left Sam turned back to him “I am sorry for your loss and hope that you will share that with us.”
> 
> After that the session got under way and a few people talked about events or losses that affected them with others giving sympathy and reassurances and Sam helping them look deeper into what they felt about the traumas and ways to start to dim the hurt and move on. Jared didn’t share and neither did he. When the session was over and a few people had talked to Sam and before long it was his turn and they were alone. He felt a little disappointed and a bit relived that Jared hadn’t hug around to talk as he focused on Sam. She reminded him that anything he heard could not be written about without direct permission by the parties involved and he was here to learn and share not to dictate. He agreed and she offered her sympathies again before he left.
> 
> When he walked out the door he almost had a heart attack when Jared’s massive shape came out of the dark before him.
> 
> “Are you stalking me or is it that you just can’t get enough of me?” Jared’s voice was only half teasing as he watched him.
> 
> “You scared the crap out of me and if I didn’t know any better I’d say you were stalking me” he replied wondering if some part of that was actually true. Jared seemed to be every where he was and it would make him paranoid if Jared showed up at one other place he was. He knew that life on a college campus could be a small world but this was just headed towards ridiculous.
> 
> “No I am not stalking you but this is one hell of a coincidence isn’t it” Jared looked thoughtful. “Fate strikes again, maybe someone up there is telling us we were meant to be.”
> 
> “Or is just crazy and playing one hell of a joke” he replied.
> 
> “You’re not religious are you?” Jared cocked his head a little to the side as if by looking at him from another angle he could figure him out.
> 
> “Not anymore” he said in a tone that would hopefully stop Jared from asking. Jared he had noted in their small meetings like to know things and he suspected from what he had seen was good at getting the answers to things he wanted to know. Jensen had been put off religion after staying with his grandmother for a few years and being subjected to going twice a week and the churches hard view on his supposedly ‘chosen lifestyle’.
> 
> “Okay” Jared replied as he must have taken the hint. “I’ll still see you on Friday right?” He looked hopeful and slightly worried like it was too good to be true even after all these little run ins.
> 
> “I’ll be there” he assured Jared and got a blinding smile in return.
> 
> “Goodnight then” Jared waved and headed off after he had replied.
> 
> It was a short walk back to the dorm and he thought about the therapy session he had attended and if he wanted to contribute his own story. Not all of it of course, never all of it but something. He had done therapy before and wondered how this would be different from before. Before people knew who he was and why he was there. Here they would only know what he wanted them to. He decided he would give it a try.
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
> 1997
> 
> The three months after Daniel had killed some of his classmates and died via suicide by cop were a blur. Jensen had fallen further into depression and his parents were getting a divorce and blaming each other for how Daniel had turned out. They were also questioning his behavior and watching him as if he would suddenly go ballistic and start killing people. No he had no desire to hurt anyone except maybe himself and in a way he was. He was hardly eating, hardly cleaning himself and spent most of the day in bed but hardly sleeping thanks to nightmares and his parents fighting and media and cops calling and coming over. Some official like people from some kind of state or service agency had come by but he hadn’t paid much attention to them. There were always people coming by, lawyers, state officials, police, the media at all hours of the day and sometimes night pretty much every day. The media was the worst painting a horrible picture of him and pointing him out to be almost as bad if not just as bad as Daniel. His life and family life has been dragged out of the mud for all the public to see.
> 
> “Jensen?” a soft female voice he didn’t know came from the door way.
> 
> He looked over to see a woman who might have been in her thirties standing there in a gray suit with matching pumps, a battered briefcase and way to much make up on. He just stared at her and she fidgeted before stepping into the room and turning on the overhead light. It made him wince as he had shut the curtains tight and had been using only a table lamp to see by for the past day or so. The woman looked around the room and frowned before turning her gaze back to him.
> 
> “I need you to get up and get some cloths together okay” she set her briefcase on Daniel’s bed. “Do you need some help?” she asked when he didn’t move.
> 
> “Why?” he just continued to start at her as she looked around the room again.
> 
> “Because you are leaving, the court has deemed that your parents aren’t fit to have you with them right now. You will stay with your grandmother Sarah until one of your parents is fit to have you or you can stay with your grandmother unless she says otherwise. Now you need to get up and pack, do you have a suitcase or bag you can carry your things in?” The woman looked like she didn’t have much more patience and dealing with him was using up whatever patience she had.
> 
> He sighed but got up moving around her and out into the main room and pulled a battered suitcase out of the storage closet built into the wall by the kitchen that was supposed to be a pantry. The woman watched him as he threw in all his newest cloths first before packing anything else that would fit. Then he got a brown bag he used to carry his lunches in and packed up his toiletries from the bathroom adding them to the pile in the suitcase and zipping it closed. The woman must have expected him to leave then but he help off getting his school bag and filling it with little personal mementos like photos and various knickknacks he wanted to keep. When he was done the woman took his backpack as he carried his suitcase. His parents were busy with a guy in a suit in the kitchen and didn’t respond to his goodbye as he left with the woman.
> 
> She didn’t take him straight to his grandmother’s instead to a foster facility where he would stay until the weekend when his grandmother would collect him. It was only Tuesday he would have to spend at least three day here. While he was stay in the foster facility he would have to follow their schedule and their rules. That included therapy sessions which he learned he would have to continue once a week with a state shrink while he was with his grandmother. They wanted to make sure that he was okay, in other words he knew they wanted to know if he was dangerous, if he was going to do what Daniel had done.
> 
> The days in the facility were just as bad if not worse than at home if some things were the exact opposite in some regards they were still shitty. Where his parents had argued over him and ignored him the kids here were all in agreement that he was no good and paid attention to him in the form of tormenting him. He wasn’t nuts but the shrink he had to see was sure to drive him nuts if he had to spend any more time than the three days with him. He hadn’t really been around his grandmother Sarah all that much since he was a small boy and even the it wasn’t all that often but staying with her had to have been better than staying here.
> 
> His grandmother didn’t look all that old when she came to get him late Saturday and she argued about him seeing a shrink. Unfortunately it was part of the condition for her taking him and she had to give in. He felt a little hope rise in him that she wanted him so much and even if he had to see a shrink maybe it wouldn’t be so bad. That notion was wiped away when they stared off towards her home in Houston.
> 
> “Your parents didn’t do you or your brother any favors raising you the way they did” his grandmother started. “I’ll see to it that you get straightened out. That garbage about you seeing a head shrinker, baugh, no you need the good Lord. You will go to church with me on Wednesdays and Sundays and see the priest for confession and a few personal sessions. God will set your head straight, none of this moping or bad ideas in your head or unnatural thoughts about life or boys.”
> 
> He flushed that his grandmother knew he was gay and felt dread at what his life might be like. He had gone to church now and then when his parents were sober and civil and acting nice with each other. Being gay was a sin and a lot of people in Texas didn’t take kindly to it. It appeared that his grandmother didn’t either. Also people like his grandmother and other hard church goers thought that enough praying and being true to God could cure you or keep you from problems and if you had any or were sick it was because you were supposed to be or were bad and it was your burden to bare for being out of grace or favor with God. Now he had faith but he knew that problems like Daniel had couldn’t be helped. He had done a little digging and while not a whole lot of information was available to him he had found some answers. Daniel had had Schizophrenia and that was something he didn’t think God, any God had control over. As the ride went on and his grandmother talked he felt as if he might have been better staying at the foster facility. He didn’t think therapy or God could ever erase or make what had happened any better. Or make him not gay.
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
> 2006
> 
> Friday blew by and as the day wore on he got more and more nervous about meeting Jared for drinks. Things with Jared were moving so fast and he was about to add more to the mix by meeting Jared’s friends. He had no doubt it would happen even if Jared insisted they could leave. He would either grin and bear it as they passed by or Jared’s friends might rush them all together in a kind of pull the band aid off quick method. Then again it wouldn’t happen if he wasn’t there. But then again he had told Jared he would be there. It wasn’t a promise but he liked to keep him word as at one time it was just about the only thing he had and if he didn’t have that then he had nothing. So he would go and he would be alright he just had to stick with Jared. After his last class he didn’t study at all instead went through all his cloths trying to decide what to wear.
> 
> He knew this wasn’t a date and that he was maybe Jared’s friend but he was meeting Jared’s other friends and he didn’t want to look like a total loser. He felt a little bit like a teenaged girl might feel before a date however when he tried on a few outfits and looked at himself in the mirror. Finally he went with a green button down and a clean pair of nice jeans that didn’t have any stains or rips or frayed edges. He tried combing his hair down and didn’t like the way it looked and ran his fingers through it to get little spikes at the top. That was how he wore his hair pretty much all the time so why change that for just tonight. If he ever ran into Jared’s friends again or on campus or something they would see it this way so it made no difference tonight.
> 
> He left for the bar with just enough time to get there and not be late but avoid being too early. When he went in he looked around and saw Jared at a table with one empty chair and two bottles of beer. Jared’s face lit up in that smile he was growing so fond of when he got close enough for Jared to notice him.
> 
> “Hey man so glad you could make it” Jared made as if to get up from his seat but he waved Jared down hoping up onto his own seat.
> 
> “Told you I would come” he answered as he took a quick look around to see if he could spot any of the people he had seen with Jared the last weekend.
> 
> “They aren’t here yet and I am not sure all of them will show up” Jared said watching him his head tilted ever so slightly to one side before straightening up and grinning even wider if it was possible. “Besides I plan to introduce them to you slowly so you won’t even notice.”
> 
> He raised one eyebrow at Jared and smirked “So I am having beer with a mastermind then” it’s more of a statement then a question but Jared leaps on it anyway.
> 
> “Oh yeah, I am king of dastardly plans and I have you in my sights as my main focus.”
> 
> “Just remember one thing Jared” he drawled and Jared leaned forward shoulders hunched to bend him over the table.
> 
> “What’s that?” Jared sounded so cocky and sure when he asked and he had to try and keep the laughter in as he replied thinking of Jared and his subjects of thought.
> 
> “So was Wile E. Coyote, Marvin the Martian, and Snidely Whiplash,” he let the names hang there for a moment and saw the second the recognition catch in Jared’s eyes before Jared threw his head back and laughed loudly.
> 
> “So are you telling me this will all blow up in my face?” Jared slapped his hands to his cheeks and gave an open mouthed horror expression via Kevin the kid in the _Home Alone_ movies.
> 
> “Not at all I’m just letting you know what might happen” he took a swig of his beer “it could also be that I’ll like them and get along so well with them that they all become enamored with me and lave you to be with me.”
> 
> “They wouldn’t leave me because while you may have brains I have all the brawn and I can help move furniture and other stuff like say a dead body of sneaky ex-friends and they will always need a friend who can do that while in college.” Jared set his beer down and held his arms out in a T, nearly missing a waitress before curling his clenched fists in, bending his arms at the elbow in a classic muscle man pose.
> 
> He couldn’t help but start at the muscles that bulged in Jared’s arms and had to take another swallow of beer. Jared was good looking and so far his personality was great this just added to his appeal and if Jared let him, he would be happy to just start at him for the rest of the evening like that. “That’s quite a bit of muscle” he admitted as Jared put his arms done in order to have more beer.
> 
> “Yeah I used to play basketball for a long time, kind why I am so late with this who college thing. I went to college before but it was to play ball and I just took a bunch of elective classes and what not hoping I would get noticed for playing and maybe make some kind of career out of if even if I wasn’t playing in the NBA. But after a while of not really getting anywhere I injured my knee and was told I couldn’t keep playing.” Jared looked down at the table as if he could see through it to him legs a wistful smile on his lips for a moment. “I took a while off and wasn’t sure what to do with myself. Katie, was starting college and looked at all I had taken and told me I could do something with it and had the bases covered for a number of degrees if I would only get off my ass an finish one. I decided I knew so much stuff I could teach it so now I am just finishing the certification parts of the degree. I needed to keep working the knee and the gym here is awesome and I talked with the sports coaches here and they gave me a pass. I work out to burn of energy and keep myself in shape so I won’t go all tin man after a rain when I’m old.”
> 
> He was impressed that Jared had decided to come back to school and try and put what he knew to good use by getting a useful degree he actually seemed interested in using. His experiences with the jock types in school had never been all that good and he thought that professional players got way too much money just because they could do something a little better then someone else physically. And that the degrees they earned and wouldn’t use they got mostly because they had skated through classes or gotten just because they had to keep a scholarship or grades to play while in college. He hadn’t seen to many athletes do much with their degrees once their careers were over and many didn’t have degrees that would get them far in life after. Jared could use his to not only build a future on but to help other at the same time and that was something special in his eyes.
> 
> He was also kind of jealous about this Katie person as he had noted Jared had said her name with fondness and if she had talked Jared into getting a degree they must be close on some level. He didn’t know Jared’s sexual orientation but thought it might lean more towards his side of the scale rather than the fairer sex if the light flirting and comfortableness he had in using it on him was anything to go by. But in today’s age it was hard to tell and this was California where the people were a little more around the curve then people back home in Texas and the stigma towards gays was getting better.
> 
> “Who’s Katie?” he blurted out while he was still so curious that courage could be applied and he wouldn’t look like an idiot for asking instead of waiting till the curiosity drove him nuts and he would ask so far from now that it would be odd and out of place.
> 
> Jared got a very fond look on his face and waited a moment to answer ducking his head as a light blush came over his cheeks. “Katie is my younger sister but she acts like my older sister half the time and she can be very bossy. My family can be very protective of me and she is like a mini mom giving me a shove when she thinks I need it.”
> 
> Jared was obviously fond of his sister and his family and hit make something in him ache a bit that he didn’t. He knew if he let it the feelings of it would over whelm him and he needed to steer the conversation in a new direction. He got his wish as it was then that a man came up to their table starting at them then cocked his head and opened his mouth.
> 
> “Well at least he is something to look at Jay” the man said and he almost spit the mouthful of beer he had taken out.
> 
> “Chad!” Jared reached out and punched the guy on the arm before he could step out of Jared’s reach.
> 
> “What it’s true” the guy, Chad turned to look at him and his flushed under the scrutiny.
> 
> “Ross this is Chad, the polite term you can call him is friend but he is more of a douchebag” Jared glared at Chad who was about to protest before Jared added “except under extreme duress then he can be okay.”
> 
> Chad shut his mouth and scowled then a smile was back on his face “you forgot that I am a great comedian and the best party planner.”
> 
> “If you plan to end up in jail for the night sure” Jared shot back with a big grin on his face. It was clear that there was probably a story behind it and that it was a good one.
> 
> “Well it was nice to meet you but I’m gonna get a table before the place fills up or Jared goes cave man and tries to keep you hidden so he can have you to himself” Chad winked at him, slapped Jared on the shoulder and wondered off towards the back of the bar.
> 
> Jared looked a little flustered when he looked back at him. “I tried to get him to play nice, guess that was leaving him an open invitation or something. I swear he is the only one like that the other are better.”
> 
> He let Jared hang for a moment before letting a smile spread across his face “well at least things would never be boring.” Jared gave him a wide grin in return and went for a swig of beer only to find his bottle empty. He made a sad face that he thought looked just like a puppy and he chuckled. “Guess it’s time for a refill, I’ll get this round” he stood up and went to the bar. When he got back with two fresh beers there was a girl standing at the table watching him. She smiled as she looked him over and introduced herself as Sandy before Jared could.
> 
> They exchanged a few words about how he was liking the campus and classes before she expressed her hope that he would hang around and get to know everyone as he seemed cool before going off to find Chad. He began to ask Jared about his friends and as they talked a few more wondered in and over as time passed and he met Jason, Richard, Matt, Sophia, Nick and Megan.
> 
> As the night wore on Jared told him all about his first year on campus and he told Jared about the various jobs he had had while Jared’s friends wondered over to talk and add their own conversations before going off again. Soon it was late and time for him to leave and he found that he had had a much better time than he thought he would.
> 
> “There must be some thing in the water around here I am usually not like this” he ducked his head and rubbed at the back of his neck and Jared beamed at him.
> 
> We’ll if there is I hope it stays there I like you” Jared flushes and stutters on “you like this, no wait this like you, no that’s not it. Shit I think I’m drunk” Jared has been steadily growing redder as he speaks and he has a hard time holding in his laughter but it gets out anyway and Jared sends him a pouty look that just sets him off harder. “Fine see if I buy you alcohol next time” Jared pouts a bit more then smiles.
> 
> “Well I would defiantly like a next time so perhaps the best course for now would be to say good night” he admits out loud.
> 
> “Yeah okay” Jared nods way too vigorously and he thinks Jared might make himself dizzy before he stops. “I’ll see you in class” Jared sing songs and turns to go only staggering a little.
> 
> In the morning he doesn’t care that he has a bit of a hang over as he still feels good from last night.
> 
> Days and weeks begin to pass and Monday, Wednesday and Friday soon become his favorite days of the week as those are the days he sees Jared. They don’t go out every Friday and he sees Jared on Thursdays in therapy but doesn’t count those times. Those times are when both he and Jared are other people then who they are outside the group. In the group he thinks of Jared as Tristan who has survived a horrible ordeal, which has yet to be identified, and lost his cousin, yet to be named in the event. And he, he is Jensen again the boy who lost his brother and later his family to the fallout of losing his brother. He never does share many details and hearing from other is nice and he enjoys trying to comfort and help Jared through his problems and suspects Jared likes trying to help him even if he doesn’t give away much of anything that outlines his problems much beyond grief for his brother.
> 
> Another aspect of knowing Jared is that he has come to like all of Jared’s friends and they like him and when they do go out on Fridays they all sit together now. He never thought that he could have this life, the life he has wanted since he was a boy. Granted that he had no real family to go home to but his dorm room mate is decent and hardly seen and he is having fun learning and has friends, real friends. In the back of his mind he knows that it could all come crashing down like it has before but all his therapy and growing confidence beat those thoughts down. After all to everyone here he is Ross Tailer not the infamous Jensen Ackles and he has no family to do anything or say otherwise or make people think anything of him other that what he presents himself to be. Life is good right now.
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
> 1997
> 
> Jensen fells like he is in hell even if he hasn’t died yet to get there. Living with his grandmother is grinding him into the ground and therapy is driving him up the wall nuts. He is told to both open up and keep who he is buried inside. He is supposed to be taking pills but they made him feel bad so he doesn’t take them and says he does. He had been lectured at and prayed over and fought his own mind to appear as if he is together enough to not be sent away to some asylum and cover up who he is to not be sent to some camp of the church to try and change him. Every once in a while some media will show up as well and try and get something but his doctors shut them down or his grandmother chases them off. He has made no friends at the church and frankly doesn’t want to and the others in therapy…forget it.
> 
> Accept one that is. Christian ‘Chris” Kane has anger issues and a slightly more than is healthy relationship with fire and couldn’t give a rat’s ass in his own words if he was gay. He doesn’t see Chris outside therapy and the occasional phone call from a pay phone when he really needs it or can get away from his grandmother. He isn’t sure if he should call Chris a friend, he knows he would like to but he had an irrational fear that if he calls Chris and friend Chris could decide he wasn’t worthy and leave him. Chris does know about Daniel and what Daniel did and even though he says it’s fucked up he knows that he isn’t to blame.
> 
> Chris is a little older then him and has a plan for when he turns eighteen to get the hell out of dodge. Chris tells him all about his plans all the time and he hopes Chris makes it. Whenever they do talk about Chris’s plans he gets some wild ideas about getting away when he gets old enough too. By now he knows he will never go back to his parents and he can’t stay with his grandmother. Chris offers to come back for him when he is eighteen if he really wants and he declines but secretly hopes Chris will ignore his protests and bully him into it.
> 
> It isn’t until a year later when Chris is leaving that he calls Chris a friend and Chris laughs at him saying he knew it all the time and says he’ll come back for him in a year. He isn’t sure he believes Chris, he wants to so bad but right now doubt is taking over and without Chris to help him fight it he isn’t sure he can win over it. Only time will tell what will happen to them.
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
> 2006
> 
> Jensen is half way through his first trimester of college, has friends he never though he’d have and the biggest crush on Jared he is surprised everyone can’t see it like a neon sign above his head when they are together. It’s Thursday and he is in his dorm studying as his last class of the day having been canceled. He still has a while before he has to go to therapy so he doesn’t expect someone to just about pound on the door. His room mate has a key as do college staff and Jared would call before coming over and he hasn’t had any of his new friends over so he has no idea who it could be. The almost pounding comes again this time accompanied by a voice he knows well.
> 
> “Jenny I know you are in here and if you could tear yourself away from your damn books for a minute to answer the door that would be great.”
> 
> He hurries over to open the door to see Chris leaning up against the jamb grinning wide.
> 
> “About damn time kid” Chris strolls into the room as he rolls his eyes and closes the door. Chris looks around the room before turning his eyes on him and looking him over. “You look good kid even if you are living in a matchbox” he walks over and grabs him up in a quick hug.
> 
> “Not that I am not thrilled to see you but what are you doing here?” he sits back down on his bed pushing his text books away. He won’t get any more studying in as long as Chris is around and he doesn’t truly mind either.
> 
> Chris takes a seat on his room mates bed and pulls a letter out of his jeans pocket and hands it over. He takes it and looking at Chris in his eyes to try and gage a reaction and on getting none opens the letter and reads it. When he is done his jaw is aching from the smile on his face as he folds the letter and hands it back.
> 
> “Congratulations on your record deal I knew you would make it” he was truly happy for Chris. In the past when Chris had struck out on his own he had played guitar and sang on street corners sometimes in the summer for some extra cash and in local coffee houses and corner bookstores in the winter. He had met Steve and the two had started working together and getting real gigs. By the time he had turned eighteen and Chris came to collect him from his life such as it was back then they had added Brian a drummer and were playing in bars. Chris was still sometimes working on his anger and fire issues and had found music therapy through Steve. Chris had taken him to a session or two and he had given it a reluctant try at Chris’s urging. He hadn’t thought much of it but found it did relieve some stress and Chris in an attempt to keep him at it played a song he wrote at one of his gigs. It had gone over really well and had gotten them a nice month long gig at a small local casino. Chris had gotten him to write a few more songs that Chris and Steve mixed in with their own.
> 
> He had no idea if Chris and Steve were still using any of the songs they started out with as they had refined their talents and song sets as time went on. Part of the appeal to them was that they sang about things they knew, that had feeling and could connect with people not to mention they played very well.
> 
> “I came out to tell you in person and to ask you a favor” Chris ran the letter through his hands and that was as close to nervous that he would show.
> 
> “What is it?” he sat up straight giving Chris his full attention. Chris had pretty much saved him and had gotten him to get his GED and eventually to come here to college and had paid for a lot of things along the way that he didn’t have to. Whatever Chris wanted if he had the power to give it he would.
> 
> “We…I was hoping to get your permission to use one of the songs you wrote on our debut album.” He was about to reply with a yes when Chris cut him off. “We wanted _Broken World in a Goodbye Letter_.”
> 
> All he could do was start at Chris as the room around him began to tilt. That was one of the first songs he had written that he had actually expressed his emotions and thoughts in and he had hidden it under his mattress, Chis only stumbling upon it when he had spilled beer on his bed and tried to change the sheets. It was deeply personal and when Chris had played the music he had written for it he had left the tiny place they were staying at and hadn’t come back for three days. When he had Chris had all but gotten down on his knees to say he was sorry when he’d surprised himself and Chris by saying he could sing it if he wanted but only on nights he was there to hear it. Chris had told him that was kind of masochistic but he had argued therapeutic and Steve had called them both right and both crazy but thanked him for letting they use the song. Eventually he had let they play it whenever they wanted. He had no idea that they had still been playing it. He must have said that though out loud as Chris’s voice brought him back to the moment.
> 
> “We haven’t played it in a long time but one of the producers saw a video of us playing it years ago someone had managed to get digitized and posted to the net and he loves it and wants it as one of our singles.”
> 
> He thought about it for another moment and decided that it would be alright if the guys played it. They had to countless people in the past and although the song was tragic didn’t name anything specific or give exact detail into what had really inspired it. He was relatively sure no one would connect the dots between the song and his past, it had been years after all and time had proven to cover things up and worse things had happened by now.
> 
> “Yeah,” he nodded and looked at Chris in the eyes “yeah okay.” Chris didn’t look away for a long time and when he did he frowned.
> 
> “You know that your name will be on it even if I can try and hide it with lots of other names it has to be there legally Jen” Chris’s voice was sympathetic.
> 
> He thought about that for a minute as well but again went back to the fact that the song wasn’t that specific and a lot of time had passed since then also… “It’s okay and um, I don’t go by Jensen Ackles anymore.”
> 
> Chris looked up at him in confusion over this bit of news. “What are you talking about?’
> 
> When he had moved on from his grandmothers he had dropped his last name and gone by Jensen Ross and after he had separated from Chris and Steve and started hunting for real jobs he had changed his name dropping Jensen and taking on him mother’s maiden name. He had always left an address for himself in a post office box so Chris would know where he was but he never stuck his new name on it and when they talked he had never asked for Chris to call him anything different then Jensen.
> 
> “When I started getting real jobs I changed my name so they wouldn’t know who I was” he held up a hand so Chris wouldn’t interrupt him. I know some time had passed and I looked different but I was still scared Chris and this was a way I thought I could protect myself. It helped me a lot and I just never thought about changing it back.”
> 
> Chris shook his head but didn’t argue knowing about most of Jensen’s problems then and some still now and let it go. It said a lot about how far Chris had come from the boy he had once been as well. “So what do I call you then?”
> 
> He gave Chris a weak smile that didn’t stay as he answered knowing Chris probably wouldn’t like it. “In private I’m still Jensen and always to you and Steve but in public I’m Ross Tailer.”
> 
> “Why in the hell would you take that witch’s name?” Chris got right away the surname he used.
> 
> “Because it was easier legally and I didn’t have to think to hard” he answered honestly.
> 
> Chris just started at him for a minute before letting out a breath “I need a beer, you got plans?”
> 
> He did have therapy group but Chris would only be here for a short time he knew and he could miss one session to hang out even if he missed talking with Jared. “I can cancel it’s nothing special” but Chris must have caught something about him that wasn’t right.
> 
> “No man don’t do that it’s not nothing, what is it?” Chris was really interested.
> 
> “I go to a group therapy session for people who have through traumatic events or lost someone close to one. It started out as extra credit for a class but I like it and I think, I think it helps” he admitted.
> 
> “Then there is no way we are missing it, we can go out after, you’re still young enough to pull an all-nighter if you have to. Besides if we are as big as the producers say we will be you’ll get enough money to repeat the class should you fail. Now tell me all about what you have been up to since we talked last” Chris leaned back on the bed to support his shoulders with the wall and settle in for their catching up.
> 
> “Money? I get money? Forget catching up it can wait till the bar now tell me about this money thing” he teased and Chris laughed.
> 
>  


	2. Chapter 2

> 1996
> 
> Jensen,
> 
> I can’t take seeing you the way you are it hurts too much and I have to do something. They tell me that I am the only one who can and so I will. I will take care of you like I always do and make things right. You can always count on he so don’t worry. I have put this away so when you get it I will have fixed things. I know how you hate conflict and would tell me not to help as you have done in the past. But I just can’t stand by anymore. We are strong and have come up with a plan to make everything better. I will do this for you as your brother and know that I love you. I will put down those who hurt you. Don’t worry about Rachael and Peter they can argue circles around problems all they like but we have come up with a better solution. This is my Christmas present to you, it is early but I have to do this now it can’t wait. You can make a good New Year resolution this year for a happier future with this present. The bad will be gone and next year will start off so much better. Don’t wait up for me if you get this before I am done but they tell me you won’t. Things will get better.
> 
> All my love and Merry Christmas,
> 
> Daniel
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
> 1996
> 
> USA Today – December 22, 1996
> 
> **_NATION PRAYS FOR TWO SURVIVORS OF TEXAS MALL SHOOTING_ **
> 
> Charles Nesent age 17 passed away from injuries sustained from the shooting at Dallas Way Mall four days ago leaving only two victims left. Jared Padalecki age 17 and the youngest victim Lacy Addams age 9 who is still in a coma. Doctors say that Padalecki could survive as he is a strong young man with a will to live but have given lesser hopes for little Lacy.
> 
> An interview with Lacy’s parents confirm doctors reports that her condition is deteriorating. They are appealing to specialists to try any new treatments to help improve Lacy’s chances but the latest prognosis is grim.
> 
> Padalecki’s parents couldn’t be separated from him to comment but we learn that he is the younger cousin of victim Greg Embey age 17. Embey was killed on the scene and Padalecki was by him. Witnesses that have talked said that Padalecki tried to save his cousin who was shot before him and comforted him until the end.
> 
> A collection to help with doctors bills and funerals for the victims has begun with the community all chipping in. People who came for the memorial service have also chipped in showing how people can come together and stand up to great tragedy with great compassion.
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
> CNN – December 29, 1996
> 
> Dallas, Texas
> 
> **_MOTIVE OF MALL SHOOTING GUNMAN DISCOVERED_ **
> 
> Police investigating the tragic holiday shooting at Dallas Way Mall have discovered what they believe is the motive of the Gunman Daniel Ackles. Ackles’s younger brother Jensen who is homosexual told his brother that he had been allegedly beaten by some of his class mates. Ackles who was said to have been disturbed decide that he would get revenge for his younger brother. After obtaining the names of the alleged attackers he planned to hurt them. With the holiday season coming up the mall arranged in collaboration with the local high school for a day when students could get out early and be bused to the mall for Christmas shopping and special sales. Ackles was given the advertisement by his brother and decided to get revenge then when most of his targets would be in one place.
> 
> Police say that a possible note by Ackles has been found explaining the attack he had planned and that is addressed to his brother. Police have questioned the Ackles family and obtained a writing ample to authenticate the note found.
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
> 2006
> 
> Jared was stumped when Ross showed up at therapy with someone he had never seen before. The guy was maybe average height with shoulder length brown hair and kind eyes despite a kind of serious looking face and although he wasn’t terribly tall the guy was built. He wasn’t too proud to admit that he sulked while Ross and the new guy talked to Sam in hushed tones away from the group of a bit. Then the session was starting and he learned the guy’s name was Chris and that he was a friend of Ross’s from way back around the time he lost his brother. Watching them he noticed that Ross was more relaxed around Chris then he had been at any time except when he was alone with him. He was pretty sure Ross was gay and that he had a crush on Ross but he wasn’t sure what if anything he could do about it. If he was wrong it might mess up everything they had in their friendship. If he wasn’t…well he didn’t have all that great experience with having a lover and or boyfriend. Not that he hadn’t tried it in the past but he felt different about Ross then he had about any one else. The session went quickly and he found that he had hardly paid any attention to anything that was said if it wasn’t being said by Ross or Chris who was pretty talkative for a visitor. When it was over Ross waited to talk to Sam and he was slinking slowly towards the exit when someone came up beside him. He looked over and saw it was Chris and was about to stop when the guy shook his head slightly and gestured at the door. He kept walking and Chris followed falling a step behind looking about as if he wasn’t following him or interested in anything in particular. When they got outside it was a whole new story.
> 
> “You seem pretty interested in Ross” Chris started and his eyes were no longer all that friendly.
> 
> He wondered for a moment if Chris might be a past lover of Ross’s but decided to focus on the conversation at hand. “He’s my friend” Jared shrugged.
> 
> Chris looked him over and he felt for a moment as if he was being judged “Jared” Chris finally said.
> 
> He blinked stunned for a moment that Chris knew his name when he hadn’t given it. Chris seemed to know what he was thinking and smirked at him.
> 
> “Ross told me a little bit about you but he skipped over the fact you were a giant built like a brick shit house. He makes you sound like a puppy or a kid even” Chris sounded amused. “Now we are going out for drinks and you are coming along so I can see all about you for myself. I do have some advice I will give you now though. From the way he talks about you and the way you were looking at him in there just now stop dicking around and make a move. By now you have got to know he is gay and if you aren’t you are at least bi sexual. You feel something for him I can see that even if he can’t. I think you could be good for him and I know Ross, he is good for pretty much everyone he meets.”
> 
> He felt himself flush as Chris pointed out his feeling for Ross and joyous that Ross must feel something for him in return. It was true that Ross made him feel better and happy all the time. And for Chris, a friend of Ross’s to give him the green light to make a move was a giant boost of confidence.
> 
> “Of course if you break his heart the police will be mopping up what’s left of you with a toothbrush.” Chris patted his shoulder as he smiled at him all innocent like. “Now wait here I’m just gonna get Ross. As he watched Chris retreat a small shiver ran through him thinking about the threat. He knew it wasn’t true that Chris would kill him but something in him told him that Chris could at least make his life like hell. He didn’t have time to dwell on that though as he spotted Ross with Chris and a smile was flashed his way. The rest of the night was fun and Jared loved how Ross seemed to open up more with his friend around and Jared could see Ross relaxing and letting down his guards. If things kept going like this things could end up being like a dream. Fate was paying him back in kind for the past and he was only too happy to collect.
> 
>  
> 
> ****
> 
>  
> 
> After Chris had gone and things went back to normal the rest of the trimester seemed to fly by. He and Jared grew closer and he spent more and more time over at Jared’s apartment rather than at his dorm. He had felt nervous when Jared first suggested they go on dates out about in public but he went and found that Jared could make him feel like it was just the two of them. They had so much fun not only going to dinner and movies but Jared being a big kid took him to go skating and bowling and various other things that had them laughing and him snuggling into Jared’s side later as they laughed and talked about the night.
> 
> It was their third date Jared had kissed him for the first time. Jared had gotten them tickets for an ice skating rink as the winter season was starting and it would be the holidays soon. He had never been ice skating but Jared had and had promised to help keep him from falling on his ass. He had dressed warmly as Jared’s told him too but he wasn’t quite prepared for just how cold it was. He had blushed deeply when Jared had offered him his extra coat. He had in an instants of courage leaned over and kissed Jared’s cheek before quickly moving away to the edge of the rink. Jared caught up with him quickly and put his large hands around his waist and helped him onto the ice. Neither said anything about it but Jared had the biggest smile of his face the whole time and he a blush as Jared helped him learn to skate and held him up when he wobbled. After when he complained that his legs were turning into jelly and he was becoming a popsicle Jared agreed that they could call it a night. After they had turned in their skates Jared took him to a café across the street to get a drink to warm them up. He waited outside on a bench as his legs were a bit sore from the new form of exercise while Jared got them drinks. Jared came back with two giant cups of hot chocolate with a mound of whipped cream and what looked like cinnamon on top. He laughed as Jared presented him the cup with flourish and they sat close pressed against each other as they drank. Jared kept sneaking looks at him although they weren’t really sneaky since he could see Jared doing it. Jared kept looking at his lips and he blushed at the gesture and reminder that he had kissed Jared not long ago, Granted it wasn’t a real kiss but he had liked the smooth warmth of Jared’s cheek under his lips, Jared mush have shaved extra close to be so smooth. If it had felt that nice to kiss Jared’s cheek what would it be like to really kiss Jared? He was drawn from his thoughts by Jared clearing his throat and he found Jared starting at him.
> 
> “You have a bit of cream” Jared gestured at his face close to his mouth.
> 
> He flushed more and wiped at his cheek next to his mouth keeping an eye on Jared’s face. As he started to lower his hand Jared shook his head and he raised his hand to repeat wiping his face.
> 
> Instead Jared took hold of his hand and angled his body more towards him. Jared keep their eyes locked as he slowly leaned forward giving him enough time to back away if he wanted. He didn’t and soon felt Jared’s breath puff against his lips. There was an instant of frozen anticipation before Jared lent that fraction closer and kissed him. It was light and chaste just more than pressing their lips together.
> 
> He didn’t close his eyes but his lids drooped a bit and he slumped forward into Jared a bit. Jared’s lips were warm from the drink and slightly dry most likely from the weather but they were heaven. It seemed to last forever and yet didn’t last long enough as Jared began to pull back. However as he did so he turned a tiny bit and the flick of Jared’s hot tongue caught him by surprise and he pulled back to see Jared’s tongue had a bit of while on the tip.
> 
> “Jensen” he blurted once Jared’s tongue was back in his mouth.
> 
> “What?” Jared looked confused and he could have smacked himself for saying his name.
> 
> “My name” he looked down at his cup “Ross is my middle name. I didn’t like Jensen so I don’t use it but I would like it if you called me that. When it’s just us like a secret for you” he was beginning to mutter at the end. He wasn’t sure how Jared would take that he had been lying to him.
> 
> “Uh, that’s…well that’s different but okay” Jared answered after a second. “I don’t think there’s anything wrong with Jensen but if you want to use Ross that’s what you want. And if I get to use Jensen only then that is awesome. Something of you only I can have sound like a wonderful first Christmas present. But you do know I am going to expect more presents when it’s the actual holiday right.”
> 
> Jared didn’t sound mad and when he looked at Jared he was smiling at him and it made his heart soar. He snorted at Jared’s comment about it being a present and wanting more and Jared beamed dimples out on full display as they just sat and finished their drinks in silence. Jared gave him another kiss when he dropped Jensen off at the dorm. This was not chaste but firm and oh so wonderful that he fell asleep with a smile still on his face and dreamed all night about kissing Jared.
> 
> He grew more and more bold with Jared as time went on and sweet little kisses he had begun accepting from Jared became long and sometimes sloppy make out sessions. It was like getting to be the teenager that he never really had a chance to be, having all the experiences now that he should have had then. And Jared, Jared was so kind about it never teasing him or pushing him for answers even if it looked like he wanted too sometimes. He had been buzzed one night when Jared had cut him off from having any more beer saying he wanted him sober when they got back to his place and that he had a surprise for him. It was the first night Jared jerked him off and he felt that if he died in his sleep he would at least be a happy man. He had been so nervous and excited it didn’t last long and he was so shaken he couldn’t think to return the favor which he apologized for in the morning when he was completely clear headed. He had touched himself for as long as he knew what his dick was for but to have someone else touch him had sent him into overload. It didn’t help that Jared had been using his real name either whispering it like it was the best thing and not the something he had grown to hate. Jared had laughed kindly at his excuses and told him that next time if he was up for it they could jerk each other off at the same time. He had flushed for what felt like hours but could hardly wait till the next opportunity would come up.
> 
>  
> 
> ****
> 
> Jared didn’t think his life could be any more perfect then it was now. With Chris’s acceptance under his belt he had made the first move on Ross and it had paid off. They went on dates and Jared was thrilled that Ross never teased him about the placed he wanted to go and was even enjoying himself. It was like Ross had been made for him. Sure they disagreed on some things but they never fought about it and they got along on all other levels. Time had been going by so fast and he felt as if he had known Ross forever. As the holidays approached he wanted to take Ross on a special date but he didn’t know were. Then he saw an add in the paper for an ice skating rink that was opening up for the season. He had been ice skating sometimes as a kid and had enjoyed it. It would be fun and would give him the excuse to stay close to Ross and touch and hold him despite the fact they would be bundled up like eskimos. He had been surprised when Ross had kissed him on the cheek and was on cloud nine as they skated around. It was the push he need to finally kiss Ross at the end of their date. Jared had kissed before but this kiss took the cake and was so far the best he’d had and yes he could admit he was being a sap. Then Ross had told him that his name was Jensen not Ross. It was odd but Jared didn’t care after all he had changed his own name so he would be a hypocrite if he called Jensen on it. Plus he liked the idea of being the only one to call Jensen by his real name. Their names went so well together, Jared and Jensen, and he hoped that some day Jensen would allow him to use it in public. He got in another kiss at the end of the night and the image of a very happy Jensen with kiss plush lips stayed with him all night.
> 
> After that he began to kiss Jensen all the time and Jensen began accepting them all the time and they grew longer and deeper as Jensen got skilled with all the practice they did. When Jensen came over they sometimes did nothing but make out for an hour or so. Jared loved it and he sensed that this was new for Jensen and never teased him. In fact he loved it that he could have this with Jensen, teach him these things. It took him weeks to build up the courage to do more and after a night of drinks with friends he made the move beyond making out. He had been touching Jensen more and more and after they got back to his place and made out a bit he had started to palm Jensen through his jeans. Jensen had let out the cutest little whimpers and didn’t protest when he had unzipped Jensen and slipped his hand inside his jeans. He had only given a few hand jobs in his life but he used everything he knew on Jensen. It hadn’t lasted that long but it had been good with Jensen whimpering and groaning and twisting beneath him. Jensen had run his hands all over him and he guessed that Jensen didn’t know what to do and that this was probably his first and didn’t hold it against him when he came quickly and slipped into the post orgasmic haze and drifter off not long after. It had been so cute to see Jensen stutter through and apology in the morning and he put Jensen out of his misery suggesting that next time they could both be naked. He imagined it even as he told Jensen what they could do and could see the gleam in Jensen’s eyes he can to recognize when Jensen was planning something.
> 
> There were a few more hand jobs after particularly good dates and for Thanksgiving he gave Jensen his fist blow job. He knew that Jensen wasn’t up for returning the favor yet but that was alright. Jensen had given him a very good hand job in return and they had spent the rest of the night wrapped up in each other as they slept. Remembering it he had been so grateful that his family had let him spend the Thanksgiving holiday at school with Jensen. He had promised to be home for Christmas and thought about inviting Jensen. Their relationship was progressing so fast but it felt so right and he knew his family would like Jensen if they met him. Jensen had heard them a little over the phone earlier before they went out for Thanksgiving dinner. He had called them to talk with everyone who was gathered at his parents for dinner and hadn’t finished when Jensen had knocked on his door. Jensen had been patient while he finished talking with every family member the phone was passed to. When he was finished he noticed that Jensen had a far away look in his eyes and frowned. Jensen had told him that he wasn’t in touch with his family and he knew from therapy that he had no other siblings besides his deceased brother. His family was large and he couldn’t really imagine not having them any more. He had almost been taken from them and knew that it would have been hard on them but to have the tables turned and not have them it would break him. He shook his head and put on a big smile and they had left to go meet up with Chris who was in town for the holiday. Chris was Jensen’s family by choice and he would have him around any time as it always lit up Jensen’s world. It was the news that Chris’s first album had done well in sales and that he would have a major tour in the summer that got them all in a celebratory mood. He had made sure that they all didn’t get smash drunk and decided that it was the night to move things forward with Jensen again. When they had made it to his apartment later after seeing Chris off he had started Jensen off with the hand job. He got Jensen so wound up it took Jensen a moment to realize that after the kisses he’d trailed down his chest he didn’t stop going and was mouthing at his cock. Jensen had tried to bring him back up but he shushed him and kept working on what he wanted to do. Jensen had then tugged at his shirt and he had to stop to get Jensen to let go. Jensen looked at him and pouted for a moment but got back to being over whelmed when he started mouthing at Jensen again.
> 
> In all the things he did with Jensen he never took off his shirt and he knew it confused the hell out of Jensen. But he couldn’t let Jensen see him just as he never let anyone else see him. He even wore a shirt to the pool in the summer. He told everyone it was so he wouldn’t burn but it wasn’t true. He was ashamed of what his body or more specifically his chest looked like even though he knew he shouldn’t. He had talked about this with a therapist and his family but he just couldn’t get over it. He was scared from his brush with death. The bullet he had taken when trying to save his cousin had left a large scar and there were other smaller ones from debris he had landed on and rolled over. He hated the look of them and people always started at them if they saw them. Also there were always questions about how he got them and he never wanted to think of that and what had happened for the rest of his life. He had had enough of talking about it the few years after it happened to last a life time. Plus it was close to Christmas and the time it happened. It had been hard enough to train himself not to think about it this time of year every year and he’d be damned if he slipped up now. Besides Jensen was the best at not asking and just accepting and it made everything a bit easier.
> 
> After that night he had begun to plan asking Jensen to meet his family but he never got around to it. Classes were crazy between the breaks and with all the tests and other activities and friends wanting to see them after the Thanksgiving holiday and before leaving for Christmas he never got the chance. It was only a little over a week before the Christmas break that he thought about asking Jensen. Jensen had come over for dinner and they were going to exchange gifts. They got through dinner just fine and Jensen had been surprised at the meal which he had spent a few days learning and practicing to cook just for the occasion. It had led to them making out between bites of dessert and making their way to his bedroom for a possible hand job.
> 
>  
> 
> ****
> 
>  
> 
> Jared lay in his usual space for the times they did this propped up against the head board with Jensen on his lap making out like teenagers. But this time seemed different and he drew back looking at Jared with a little apprehension.
> 
> Jared took his face in his hands palms over his jaw bones so he could rub over his cheeks with his thumbs and start into his eyes. “Can…” Jared took a hitching breath “can I have you Jen?”
> 
> He flushed immediately and became very aware of his position on Jared which he hadn’t been for a while having grown comfortable like this during their numerous make out sessions. Jared had been the new everything for him so far and every time they did something Jared was so slow and understanding about it. He hadn’t told Jared that he was a virgin but he thought Jared might know or at least suspect. Jared hadn’t pushed him to give more or anything he wasn’t really ready for and he was grateful. Also he was pretty sure that he loved Jared and it had scared him enough to bury it. But with Jared asking and waiting he thought about it knowing that if he said no Jared wouldn’t mind and that more than likely nothing would change and Jared would act like the subject had never come up. It would be unfair to Jared and if he was honest with himself unfair to both of them. He needed to stop hiding from himself and his fear and he knew it and Jared could help him. Jared cared for him deeply and if Jared could get his heart so involved he could to. In fact he wanted to but just hadn’t known what to do, but Jared did and Jared was asking, and he, well he wanted. He leaned forward and brushed his lips over Jared’s not quite kissing him and breathed out “yes.”
> 
> Jared kissed him softly and when he opened up to Jared the kiss slowly became more forceful and Jared swept his tongue in to his mouth over his tongue and teeth before breaking the kiss and sighing out. “I’ll go slow okay just tell me if there is something you don’t like.”
> 
> All he could do was nod before Jared started to trail a line of kisses down his neck towards his chest and Jared’s hands skimmed over his belly. Jared starts to suck a hickey onto his collarbone when his fingers brush over the waistband of his pants and fumble the button open and the zipper down. His breath starts to catch as the pressure on his erect cock is lessoned by Jared opening his pants. They had exchanged hand jobs and Jared had blown him once and he was getting used to Jared seeing him and touching him but this was new and it made him shiver with both nerves and anticipation.
> 
> He let himself be pushed off of Jared and gently lowered down to the bed so Jared was now over him. Jared started tugging at his jeans while kissing his chest and he shifted his legs and lifted his hips up to help Jared get the jeans off. Jared kissed his way down his body as he moved to pull the jeans off and mouthed at his cock through his boxers for a moment before dropping the jeans over the side of the bed. Then Jared got up on his knees over him and undid and started shucking off his own jeans to follow his to the floor. Jared leaned back down to kiss him and start palming his cock through his boxers. He broke off the kiss with a whine as the friction wasn’t enough and bucked his hips into Jared’s palm.
> 
> “Easy Jen I got you” Jared whispered into his ear before biting lightly right under it and send in sparks through him.
> 
> After a little more kissing and light palming Jared dipped his fingers into the waistband of his boxers and pulled. He was only too happy to help Jared remove them and Jared removed his own. Jared had seen him semi naked or just naked more times than he had seen Jared and it still got to him how good Jared looked. Jared was proportional and it excited and made him nervous at the same time. Even though he had never had sex didn’t mean he didn’t know about it. The first time would most likely hurt a bit, sure there was going to be pleasure but the start could and would be a bit awkward and uncomfortable. Then there would be the pleasure and after a soreness as the body was not used to such things. It may even take a few times for everything to be great but once the body got used to it everything would be great. He knew Jared wouldn’t hurt him and from the way he was acting and they felt about each other Jared would do his best to make this as perfect as possible.
> 
> “I want to see you when I take you but it won’t be easy that way, so I thought I could try something. A compromise to make it easy but so I can still see you. If you aren’t up for it I will completely understand and I won’t mention it again. The best way to take you for the first time is on all fours or on your stomach so I can take you from behind.” He stretched backwards and fumbled around the head board wrestling something from behind it over it to lean against it on the bed. When Jared moved he saw that what he had been struggling with was a giant mirror. “I can take you on all fours and I can see you in the mirror.”
> 
> He looked back and forth between Jared and the mirror for a few minutes and Jared just knelt still waiting for him to decide. It was kinky and kinda sexy and a bit practical if he wanted to get technical about how it would work. He didn’t feel he could hate it and it sent a bit of a thrill through him as he thought about Jared watching his face and body as he took him like that. He would be able to see Jared as well and with the mirror he could see both of them instead of just Jared. He wasn’t vain but that was getting him a little more worked up. Finally he made his choice and looked into Jared’s yes.
> 
> “Yes, but on one condition. Since you will see me I want to see you, all of you” he reached out and ran his hand over Jared’s t-shirt covered chest. No matter what they had done together Jared hadn’t taken his t-shirt off around him.
> 
> It was Jared’s turn to hesitate and his turn to wait for a decision. He had no idea what could be so bad that Jared didn’t want him to see. From all that he knew Jared kept in excellent physical shape and didn’t have any birth defects or secret phobias of taking off his shirt if there even was a phobia for that.
> 
> “Okay” Jared’s voice was soft and he leaned up to kiss Jared in gratitude and hidden relief. He had no idea what he would do if Jared didn’t agree. “Lay back I’m gonna get you ready while I watch before we actually get to the good stuff I’ll take my shirt off then okay?
> 
> He nodded and laid back down and Jared leaned sideways to open the little drawer of his night stand. Jared pulled out a tube of lube and a condom setting them on the bed next to him. Jared ran his hands over his chest before taking his cock in one hand and giving it a few strokes using the other hand to spread his legs a little wider. He let out a little moan and Jared kissed him again muffling the sound. Still kissing him Jared’s hand left his cock and seconds later he heard the pop of the lube cap opening. Then rasping of skin on skin before one of Jared’s hands came back to his cock. He was so focused on the kisses which now involved tongue and the hand on his cock he didn’t feel the fingers of Jared’s other hand tracing his crack and circling his hole until the tip of it entered him. He became aware of the warm trail of lube Jared’s fingers had left and where his finger was.
> 
> Then Jared bit the thin skin behind his ear and all his attention was back on Jared’s mouth. Jared kept kissing him, alternating deepening and drawing back, exploring his mouth with his tongue or sucking his tongue into his own mouth or lightly mouthing along his jaw. One hand kept working his cock stroking with various pressure or tracing the vein or rubbing just under the head with a blunt nail. Every once in a while he would be distracted by Jared’s other hand which was opening him up with one finger, then two, then scissoring the fingers before adding a third. Each interruption he felt of Jared’s fingers was odd and made him feel stretched and full and the three kind of ached for a moment but Jared went slowly and always got his mind away with his kisses and hand on his cock. Finally when he felt on the edge Jared backed off and looked down at him with a soft smile.
> 
> “I think you’re ready” Jared moved out of the space between his legs and took Jensen’s hands which had been fisted in the sheets and helped him sit up. Sitting up after just being opened up felt a little strange and he hadn’t even been fucked yet. Jared helped guide him as he got up on his knees before kissing him. Then Jared reached for the hem of his shirt and pulled it up and off holding it for a moment in front of his chest before dropping it to the side.
> 
> Jared’s long neck flowed down to a smooth upper chest and defined pectoral muscles but then…right below his right pectoral was a large scar that looked as if someone had thrown a ball covered in paint at him and when it hit it splattered paint out like a star burst. There were a few other smaller scars that looked like scratch marks over his torso distorted by his ab muscles. He ran a hand over the biggest scar gently and Jared stayed still bowing his head slightly and turning it to the side. He bent down and kissed the big scar and Jared’s head swiveled to look at him and he straightened and kissed Jared continuing to run his hands over his chest. When he broke the kiss he dropped his hands and shifted before he then leaned forward and placed his hands on the bed holding himself on all fours and looking at Jared in the mirror.
> 
> Jared’s eyes looked shiny and he took a few deep breaths before moving behind him and spreading his legs a little more to make room. When Jared was all done getting him into the position he wanted he looked into the mirror at his face.
> 
> “Yes Jay” he whispered not taking his gave from Jared’s in the mirror. Jared looked away and grabbed the condom, opening the packet and rolling down his cock before getting more lube and stroking over the condom and trailing his fingers down his crack and around his hole. He watched Jared line himself up and felt the faintest pressure on his hole before Jared looked up from what he was doing. Catching Jared’s eyes Jared began to slowly push forward not looking away from him. The sensation of something pushing into his hole was an off feeling without the kisses and Jared’s hand on his cock to distract him and he wanted to squirm away from the growing pressure at his hole tightening his muscles a bit.
> 
> Jared seemed to know what he was thinking as he grabbed a hip in one hand to hold him still and lowered a shoulder so he could reach under and palm his cock. The momentary distraction had him relaxing just enough for the head of Jared’s cock to sink fully in. Jared paused as he let out a huff and allowed him to adjust to the intrusion that was bigger than fingers. After a moment Jared rocked his hips and slipped into him just that tiny bit more. It was slow going as Jared palmed his cock and then balls and rubbed his hip with the fingers holding him still as he rocked his way into him. He let out a moan when he felt Jared’s hip settle against his ass, Jared’s cock completely inside him now. The feeling of being full and stretched was odd but he knew it had to get better or guys wouldn’t do this all the time. He hissed lightly as Jared slowly pulled almost all the way out then whined as Jared slid back in just a tiny bit faster than he had pulled out. Jared repeated this until he had picked up speed and he could feel the difference. He still felt full but it sent tingles and waves pleasure at the friction up his spine and out to his limbs. He huffed when Jared shifted causing him to spread his legs wider and Jared lowered his chest to his back. So far they had been watching each other in the mirror but when Jared thrust forward this time he hit something in him that sent lightening through his body and he closed his eyes momentarily.
> 
> When he opened them Jared was grinning at him and thrust hard hitting that spot again. He started panting between the rising sound of his increased moans and had a hard time not closing his eyes and keeping eye contact as Jared began thrusting in earnest picking up speed then backing off before picking up again, alternating long thrusts with short jabs of his hips hitting that spot every few thrusts. Jared’s hand on his cock matched the pace of his thrusting and before long his back was bowing and Jared’s grip on his hip moved up to stroke his side so that he could push himself back on Jared trying to get the thrusts deeper. He had been close to what he thought was the edge before but now he felt as if he was climbing up a mountain his body getting tighter and tighter. Then all of a sudden Jared did something with his hand sweeping over the head of his cock his blunt fingernails scraping the glands on the underside of the head and gave three short jabs of his hips hitting that spot dead on each time and that was it. He screamed as he came getting his belly and chest wet with his come and Jared’s hand spreading it around on his cock as he stroked him threw it. Jared’s hand was back on his hip holding him as he began to go boneless and Jared’s pace became erratic and a minute later he could feel Jared coming in the condom. Jared gently and slowly pulled out and it made him wince but that was all and his mind must have wondered as Jared guided him to lay on the bed on his side because the next thing he knew Jared was wiping him down with a warm cloth.
> 
> Jared manhandled him a bit towards the edge of the bed before laying down next to him and wrapping him up in his arms, tangling their legs tighter and pulling a blanket over them. He drifted off again still feeling a tingle in all his limbs and Jared wrapped around him.
> 
> When he woke he wasn’t sure why until he could hear the sound of the phone ringing. After a moment he could hear Jared’s muffled voice saying he wasn’t home and to leave a message and was about to drift off again when he was jarred Jared’s name being whiningly drawn out by the caller. The response after Jared’s name was a very loud voice saying he had better call his momma and that as a Padalecki it was his job to come and play jungle gym for the kids and take the brunt of cheek pinching from someone called Marge.
> 
> By the time the message was over he was wide awake and struggling to keep his breathing steady. The caller couldn’t have gotten the wrong number as Jared had calls from family about family all week but had walked away from Jensen when he took those calls. Also Jared had admitted once when they passed a park full of kids that he had played the stand in part of a jungle gym. But Jared’s last name was Tristan, or at least that was what he’d introduced himself as and was that really his name? While Jared was a common enough name Padalecki was not and the name register somewhere in his brain. He knew that he should know that name but couldn’t place it but the recognition carried worry and sorrow and fear. He knew it was a douchey move after just having sex for their first time but he had to leave and get back to his dorm. When he was younger he had had panic attacks but with time and medication and avoidance of things that might trigger an attack he hadn’t had one in a while so he had stopped taking the medication but had some pills for an emergency. Now would be an emergency but since he hadn’t had an attack in a while he had never told Jared and never brought over any pills for fear of Jared snooping and finding out about his past. Jared wouldn’t really do it on purpose but he was a curious kinda guy and if he found them he would ask he didn’t doubt that as Jared cared for him. He needed to get back to get to a pill and to try and calm down and he had to do it now.
> 
> With as much finesse as his beginning to panic, muscle sore and pleasure slacked body possessed he got out of Jared’s now loose hold on him and out of the bed. His cloths were easy to find in a pile on the floor and he dressed as quickly and quietly as possible not waking Jared. When he was calm and had taken his pills he would call Jared and apologize and ask to be forgiven if he needed to. Then he would find out why he recognized that name and why it bothered him.
> 
> Getting to his dorm took a bit as he had to pause and take deep breaths to stop from panicking on the street. The whole way back the had kept running the name Jared Padalecki through his head trying to place it but he couldn’t and the more he tried the worst the panicking fearful pressure got and he tried to think why that was so and round and round it went. He was slightly surprised he hadn’t slipped into a full blown panic attack by the time he made it inside the dorm room. He took his pills out of their hiding spot with shaking hands and was glad he kept them up to date even if he hadn’t used them in a while. He took as much as he could for one dose and curled up on his bed breathing like the doctor who had prescribed the pills long ago told him to and waited for everything to stop. When it finally did he had no idea how much time had passed and he now felt a bit numb. His room mate was gone for the night and he felt guilty as he opened up the laptop that belonged to his absent roomie. He needed to know the reason he had reacted to the name left by a stranger on Jared’s answering machine. There was a web site that would look up information on people if you gave them the right amount of info to start with. The web site would do all the searching and background work and mail it to you. It was used by lawyers a lot of creditors or genealogy people. He opened the site and with apprehension and a bit of reluctance put in Jared’s name and the name he had heard, Jared’s birthday and the state and a few cities. He then selected he wanted anything that mentioned him on paper such as news articles and anything on the web and sent by special currier. It was all done on a rush jobs so he would get at least something by the end of business day the day after tomorrow and it would be sent to the post office box he had rented when he first started school. Once done he closed up the laptop and looked around the room. He couldn’t stay here, he was still worried and he knew that with one panic attack there would no doubt be more and he couldn’t face Jared just yet. Jared knew where he liked to go if he wasn’t here and would search him out once he woke up and found him missing. So he made the decision to stay at a hotel and pack some cloths and toiletries as well as he pills and fled.
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
> 1997
> 
> Jensen had started using the name Ross when he went back to school and for a while it worked. He had cut his hair short again and the blonde dye was gone at his grandmother’s orders and he had gone back to using glasses. But despite the different look and his use of his middle name in replace of his first the students at his school soon found out who he was. They avoided him like the plague and talked about him as if he wasn’t there and they were mean. He even got roughed up a bit and took a beating from a group of jocks one afternoon after gym. His grandmother had not been pleased to see him in his bloody disheveled state when he had made it home or when she had to go and talk with the principal. After summer he had gotten to move to a new school district and was registered under his grandmother’s last name as well as continuing to use his middle name. His friend Chris is now the only person who calls him Jensen and he only does it every now and again seeing how uncomfortable he is with it but he doesn’t call him Ross and doesn’t get it when he hears a few other people call him that. Chris knows almost everything about him now and he has been over to the other man’s house to know quite a bit about him too. Chris likes to play music and he likes to listen, he finds it soothing. Chris knows he wants to drop out of school and just disappear and says he has plans for them. Whatever they are have to be better than anything now. Chris would be leaving soon and then he wouldn’t be around to stop him from dropping out or moping about. Chris had told him many times that he could be and do whatever he wanted, that he wasn’t stupid and if he put his mind to it he could do anything. He had laughed it off but he knew part of it was true. He had survived everything his life had thrown at him so far by sheer determination and will and brain power. He was very smart and part of that scared him as well as made him happy. Daniel had been smart too and when he was doing okay was capable of doing some pretty cool stuff. He was afraid that he might end up like Daniel and Chris knew that. Chris had been patient with him when he wound himself up about the could be and had even seen him through a few panic attacks. He didn’t know what he’d do when Chris was gone but he could figure it out. Like Chris had said he was smart and he could do anything and he would figure out what to do and how to go on, he just had to research and plan. Chris would call him at least once every two weeks it was a deal they had made. He was to annoy Chris by asking about getting a job and his music playing and Chris was to badger him about therapy and what he was doing or planning on doing. It was all part of a bigger plan.
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
> 2006
> 
> Finding the information Jensen needed wasn’t all that hard and getting a hard copy was fairly easy if you knew the right library sources to use. He had shut himself down after he had gotten a hotel room under Chris’s name at a cheap and slightly rundown hotel a ways away from campus. He had avoided any and all places that he might run into Jared or their friends and had only gone out for food the past day and then to his post office box today. The box had a rather large package for him and he was surprised that it fit in the box it was so big and heavy. It made him get a sinking feeling in his stomach as he held it to him and went to get some beer from the liquor store. He would need some liquid courage to go through it if it was this thick and if it was as bad as his imagined scenarios had been supplying him with he would need them. Back in his hotel room he brought his pills out and sat on the floor uncapping a beer and taking a swig before taking a breath and opening the package and starting to spread the papers out to read. It was going to be a long night and his world wouldn’t be the same when it was over.
> 
> Looking at the yellowed newspaper articles and magazine stories at the familiar face of his lover Jensen felt bile rising in this throat and seconds later let the papers fall to the floor as he rushed over to the garbage can. Not having lunch dinner there was little in his stomach to throw up but that didn’t seem to matter as his body wanted to expel anything even remotely in that area of his body out. By the time he was done he felt as if his stomach itself had tried to crawl out of him. Jared, his Jared was THE Jared, the poster boy of the mall shooting his brother had committed. Did Jared know who he was? No it was impossible, not after ten years and the changes he had gone through. But…he couldn’t help panicking. How was he going to face Jared again? His body attempted to heave up his guts one more time but nothing came out and when he was done his whole body ached from the dry heaves. He didn’t have to reread the articles but he did putting himself through the torture like a masochist. At and around the time it all happened he hadn’t ever really paid that much attention to the news or the public opinion. He was so with drawn that it didn’t reach him at first then his grandmother hadn’t wanted him involved and lastly he hadn’t wanted to know. He had known that he was not portrayed in the best light, and who would be after something like that, but he hadn’t known how bad it had been. The articles had painted Daniel as a mad man and psychopath, a weapon even and himself as Daniel’s enabler and master pointing him in the direction of such horrible action. He was almost a partner in crime if the news was to be believed and his parents nor grandmother hadn’t said a word in his defense, no one had. He hadn’t even defended himself, not that he probably could have at the time but…he would never know really. There were a few follow up articles at later dates again doing him no favors or saying anything good about Daniel or his problems.
> 
> In contrast everything about Jared couldn’t have been nicer or more heroic and wholesome. Everyone had something nice to say about him and his parents had put in their own thoughts. But not Jared, apparently he had been to hurt, then to busy trying to recover and finally just didn’t want to talk. It was hard to not envy Jared in all the support he had from the papers and no doubt his family. He wondered what Jared thought of him, of the Jensen he had probably read about and heard so much about. If he found out would he still be angry at the Jensen he had read about and built up in his mind and transfer that to him? What would he do? He drank himself into oblivion knowing that the time to do something was running out. Jared would be going home in two days and he couldn’t hide in this hotel forever.
> 
>  
> 
> ****
> 
> Jared was confused when he woke up to an empty bed, and not just empty but cold. Jensen had been gone for a while. He wasn’t in the apartment at all and he worried and tried to call Jensen only to get his message machine or voicemail. He went over the night again in his mind trying to find something, anything that would make Jensen disappear without a word. If he had been upset about the sex he hadn’t shown it. He supposed Jensen could have woken and freaked out but would it have been bad enough to leave without saying anything? He tried to be patient and give Jensen the day to do whatever it was he was doing be it freaking out or disgusted which twisted him up inside to think Jensen could be thinking that. His imagination was running wild with things that Jensen could be thinking or feeling or doing as the day passes. In the evening he tried to call Jensen again and failed to reach him. He promised himself he would give Jensen tonight and talk to him tomorrow even if he had to stakeout his dorm. He hardly slept that night and in the morning when Jensen hadn’t called he went to Jensen’s dorm. His room mate said he hadn’t seen him and that some of his stuff was gone. He tried not to show his alarm as he thanked Jensen’s room mate and left. He wondered where Jensen would stay and why he had run. He had to find Jensen and he might need some help doing it. He decided to get Chad to help him and went looking for his friend finding him at a local dinner having lunch.
> 
> “Hey Chad I need your help, we were doing so well, at least I thought we were, but then he left and he won’t talk to me and I haven’t seen Jensen for days now and I’m worried.”
> 
> “Jensen? You ran into Ackles kid brother and didn’t beat the crap out of him?” Chad looked at him with a stupefied look, “and what does that have to do with Ross?”
> 
> “Ackles? Who is Ackles?” The name sounded familiar, tugging at something at the back of his brain but he couldn’t place it.
> 
> “Ackles the psycho who shot you, who almost killed you” Chad’s voice was rising. “Are you sure you aren’t in shock or something.
> 
> Dread began to fill him at the mention of what happened and he suddenly remembered that the guy who had shot him was named Daniel Ackles. He didn’t remember all that much about what had happened after the shooting and getting taken to the hospital accept the fear and the pain and then his plans for recovery and his family and media asking questions and almost driving him nuts. He had been so out of it at first to know what was being said then was too focused on himself to pay attention and even if he had a moment he didn’t want to know about it he had just wanted to get passed it. Then another part of Chad’s question came to mind. “I don’t know Ackles, never met him, them, the kid whatever. I was talking about Ross, his name is Jensen. Shit,” Jared cursed and felt like whacking himself in the head. Jensen only wanted to be called by his name by Jared but only in private he had been very adamant about it.
> 
> Chad’s eyes narrowed way past the squint they took on sometimes when he was trying to figure something out or thinking of something dirty. “Dude I’m confused, you are dating Ross who…left, but you are looking for Jensen and Ross?”
> 
> Jared sighed “Ross and Jensen are the same person, Ross is his middle name. He didn’t like his first name or something, said something about it making him think of bad things.”
> 
> “Well duh!” Chad threw his hands wide and his eyes were wide open now as he seemed to get something that was obvious in his mind but apparently not to the world or him for that matter. “That little bastard wanted to trick you, changing his name to get close to you. I’m going to beat the crap out of him first and then you can have what’s left over.”
> 
> “Now I’m confused, what are you taking about changed his name? I don’t think we are talking about the same person.”
> 
> “Daniel Ackles shot you; his kid brother was named Jensen Ackles…Jensen Ross Ackles.”
> 
> Jared was too stunned to say anything for a moment as what Chad said sank in and his mind tried to force it out. He thought of his Jensen and of a person who could be related to a killer and it just didn’t compute in his head. There was no way, it just had to be a coincident, had to be. “No,” he started but didn’t know how to finish that thought before something else occurred to him. “How do you know any of this anyway it was a long time ago?”
> 
> Chad must have seen the refusal or disbelief on his face before his refusal and question because he sighed and put a hand on his arm. “Jensen is a pretty unique name man and I wouldn’t forget it after what happened to you. Let’s go to the library and use their computers and I’ll show you I know what I am talking about. I know most of all this shit because while you were out of it after almost dying I read everything I could. I kept up with everything that was going on and let me tell you it wasn’t pretty.”
> 
> He knew Chad meant well but he was like a dog with a bone when he actually set his mind to something and right now that something was Jensen. “Fine” he starts moving towards the library and Chad falls into step beside him. “But if you are wrong, and I think you are you have to apologize to Jensen, er Ross” he is going to have to watch his mouth.
> 
> “If by some off chance I am wrong and you can find Ross or Jensen or whatever his name is, by the way you might want to get the truth out of him if you can find him…”
> 
> “Chad,” he interrupts his friend’s way ward monologue a little more sharply than he’d like.
> 
> “Right, if I am wrong and we see him again I will apologize.”
> 
> They make it to the library before more can be said and find computers that are next to each other and open and log on. Chad doesn’t know how to spell Ackles but just types in ‘Texas mall shooting 1996’ and articles pop up. He is hesitant to click on a link when he types in his own search and takes a peek at Chad’s screen to find that he had opened the picture tab for the links. There are lots of pictures, some of the mall then and now and of lots of people. He wants to flinch when he sees his own picture and that of his cousin. He lets out a breath and opens the picture tab on his own computer. Under one small picture is the name Jensen Ackles and he hesitates a moment before clicking on it. When the picture finally loads it’s a bit fuzzy and the kid he is starting at, because yes it is a kid, doesn’t really look like Jensen/Ross but he can’t tell it’s so distorted.
> 
> Chad looks over at his screen and huffs “that’s not a good picture give me a second and I’ll find one.” True to his word a few clicks later he leans over a bit so there is room for him to look over and get a clear view of the screen “this is a better picture.”
> 
> He looks over and has to start at the picture hard and his mind goes blank for a second before coming back going a million miles an hour. It’s the kid from the picture he clicked on but this one is a much better quality then his. The boy has longer hair and it’s blonde and his cloths are trendy for the times. But the boy in the picture has to be Jensen. He compares the very green eyes he gets lost in when looking at Jensen, the long lashes any woman would kill for and the smattering of freckles across his nose and cheeks that he thinks is sexy. His plush lips he can’t resist kissing and the high cheekbones and strong chin that make sure Jensen doesn’t look too girly. It is Jensen. Jared feels his stomach drop and the world shift beneath his feet. Chad got him plastered that night and he may have cried a bit before he fell asleep thinking how his world was shattered once again.
> 
> He got drunk again and tried to match up the Jensen that he knew with the Jensen he had read about. He couldn’t see it and yet he could and his drunk brain and small flash backs to the event and the time around it was getting to him. Not if but when he saw Jensen again what would he say? What would he do? Jensen had lied to him. Did Jensen know who he was? Did he have some plane for him and if so what? Jared didn’t know what Jensen could possibly get out of this. It made him sad and it made him angry and in his drunken state the anger was the winning emotion. He must have passed out at some point because when he woke up it was almost lunch time. He cleaned himself and his apartment up because he had managed to trash the place slightly last night. Mostly he had just knocked things over and a lot of that was because he was a big klutz when drunk. He was tired emotionally and physically by the time he was done and the phone rang. He thought it might be Chad and picked it up only to hear Jensen’s voice on the other end. He almost hung up but he didn’t and instead agreed to meet him at the bar they first met at. The anger in him began to build and he held on to it so he wouldn’t feel anything else as he made his way to the bar.
> 
>  
> 
> ****
> 
> When Jensen woke up with a terrible hangover just before lunch time he knew he had to talk to Jared before he left for home. He only had today and tomorrow to do it and the thought of confronting Jared and telling him who he was had him in another panic attack that lasted a few hours. By the time he was under control and had showered and changed and turned his phone on it was evening. He wondered what he should tell Jared when he called. Jared had to have worried about him and he wanted to tell Jared who he was face to face so he couldn’t use that as an excuse when calling. Sighing he called after deciding to just go with reassuring Jared he was fine, at least physically and arranging for them to meet and talk. It would have to be somewhere public yet private and that would be tricky. Public just in case his worst thoughts happened and Jared was so made he tried to hurt him and private so no one else would overhear everything that was said and again worst case thinking it ended up on the news somewhere. After all who they were, their relationship, the circumstances of them being around each other at all and what he had to say to Jared would be interesting on any level and the media was all over things like this these days. Jared picked up on the second ring.
> 
> “Hello?” Jared’s voice sounded tired.
> 
> “Um, Jared” he hesitated a bit “I need to talk to you.” Not the best line to begin with but he couldn’t think of anything else to say. As soon as he had heard Jared’s voice he was so nervous and it was a miracle he hadn’t hung up.
> 
> “Jensen?” Jared used his real name “you got some nerve calling me after what you did.”
> 
> “I know and I am really really sorry I just, well it’s part of what I want to talk to you about. Please say you’ll meet me, I’ll tell you everything I just need to talk to you. Face to face” he rushed through it hoping that Jared didn’t hang up on him and that he wouldn’t blurt out what he wanted to say when he saw Jared.
> 
> There was a moment of silence then “fine, where?”
> 
> He had to think for a moment before deciding of the bar where they had met. This close to the holidays where wouldn’t be a large crowed so they could talk in a back booth with background noise so no one else could hear but there would be people around. Jared agreed to meet him in an hour and he paced around once he had hung up. He go to the bar early but Jared must have had the same idea was he was there already. Jared didn’t hug him or touch him like he would have a few days ago, he didn’t smile at him either and looked serious and a little angry. It wasn’t anything he hadn’t anticipated but it stung a little when Jared didn’t ask how he was or where he’d been. They found a booth as far in the corner as they could and ordered beer.
> 
> “Um, how are you?” he asked once the waitress was gone and Jared was just starting at him.
> 
> “Let’s drop the pretenses and just get to what you wanted to tell me” Jared’s voice was a bit rough.
> 
> He winced a bit but nodded “I heard the message” he started and Jared gave him a confused look.
> 
> “What message?”
> 
> “The night we um…that night…”he blushed feeling the heat and the red creeping up from his neck over his face and going to his ears thinking about what he and Jared had done that night. “Someone called you that night and I woke up and heard them leave a message. He called you Jared Padalecki and I, well it triggered something for me. I get panic attacks sometimes and I hadn’t told you ‘cus it’s embarrassing and I hadn’t had one for so long. But I started having one and I needed my meds and I was freaking out and I didn’t want to wake you. I wasn’t thinking beyond getting my meds and calming down but then everything I thought of you that name came up and I had to know why. I looked it up and I am so sorry but I ran it and your name through a search and then when it came back all I did was panic and I couldn’t face you. But you are going home after tomorrow and I needed to talk to you and tell you the truth and…” He had been rushing through his explanation and knew it was bad and he was doing a horrible job but he couldn’t seem to form the right thoughts or words to get what he wanted out and had been lowering his head to look at the table to afraid to face Jared while he babbled on only to be cut off.
> 
> “Are you going to get to the point where you are really Jensen Ross Ackles and your brother shot me some time tonight?” Jared’s vice was hard and full of anger as he hissed the truth out.
> 
> His head came up so fast he was afraid he would get whiplash and his eyes were wide and mouth open as he looked at Jared appeared very angry but was holding it back.
> 
> “Yeah I know who you are, after you disappeared I went to Chad and accidentally said your name. He put two and two together about who you were and filled me in. It’s been a long time and granted I wasn’t in the shape of mind to pay attention back then or really want to know the details I know now. I’m guessing you know who I am.” Jared just glared at him while he talked and it made him feel like sinking under the table.
> 
> “I didn’t know before now but yes and I’m sor…”
> 
> “Do not say you’re sorry or anything like it” Jared cut him off “I don’t want to hear it. I am going home tomorrow as I moved my flight up. I don’t want to talk to you again so don’t call and I don’t want to see you unless I have to. I want the past to stay in the past and that means you, we have no future.” With that Jared got up and left giving money to the bartender on the way out.
> 
> He sat frozen at the booth until Jared was gone then keeping himself under as much control as possible paid for his beer and headed back to the hotel room. He had another panic attack and took as may pills as he was able to calm himself. He left himself drift after curled up on the bed. It wasn’t the worst thing to happen but it was the second worst out come he had been thinking about for meeting Jared. He hadn’t expected everything to be all rainbows and kittens but he hadn’t thought that Jared would know who he was. He had planned on telling Jared, maybe try and spin some nice things but it had been pointless. Jared had pointed out that he had had to do some research as well. So everything he had most likely found would have been the biases hate towards him. That was fresh on both their minds but with Jared it would be worse. Sure he was more than likely feeling betrayed but so was he. And it wasn’t like the lie he told was designed to hurt Jared it was to protect himself. He had never even in a million years considered he would be telling it to Jared who had survived what the lie was built to protect from. He expected Jared to be mad and hurt but he had hoped that they might be able to work through it. They were in a type of therapy and maybe they could do another type and at least be friends. If Jared and he could work something out then it would have gone a long way to helping to heal up some old wounds instead what Jared had said had torn them open. They had begun to hurt and he knew he would have nightmares about what had happened, probably already had but the pills and booze he’d had had at least made sure he hadn’t remember them when he woke yet. He didn’t know what to do and Jared was leaving some time tomorrow and wouldn’t talk to him but Chris would.
> 
> He called Chris the next morning and told him what had happened. Chris swore a blue streak but promised him he’d come and help him sort things out. He had made Chris promise not to hurt Jared and Chris had finally agreed. He would learn later that there were two dumpster fires that night in the town Chris was playing in. Chris when he arrived the next evening insisted that Jensen pack up and move with him and get set up in another city. He had finished his college trimester and he was on break and could transfer his credits to another college. Also since Jensen hadn’t heard anything from his supposed friends who were Jared’s friends first he had no one to hold him back. He hadn’t thought about his other friends during this stressful time and realized that Chris had been right and finally agreed after Chris let his cry on his shoulder for an hour or so. It took very little to pack up his stuff from the dorm and he could get his papers by mail and fax and he left with Chris the next morning. They stuck together for a few days until Chris deemed one city good enough and set him up with a place to stay and helped him fill out an application to the local community college and a café close by. It was hard not to fall into a depression when Chris left right before Christmas. Chris and Steve called him almost every day and he made a friend at the café but he still pined for Jared. The man had gotten under his skin and so many things reminded him of Jared every day. Jared had torn open the wounds of the past but in the time that he had known Jared and not known him at the same time Jared had helped heal him. If he could have Jared in any way again he knew he could start to heal again. The new year came and he resolved to move on to not think about Jared as much as possible. It was hard but he could do it he just had to stay busy and distracted. But at night he dreamed of Jared and what it could be like if fate would just give another chance.
> 
>  
> 
> ****
> 
>  
> 
> Jared wasn’t enjoying being home with his family for the holidays as much as he thought he would. He missed Jensen as much as he was mad at him for the secrets he had kept from him. Katie had managed to corner him the other night in the kitchen after he went for a dink having woken from a nightmare. He had spilled his guts about dating Jensen the finding out who he was and leaving to come home after breaking up with him. Katie had pestered him to talk more to her about it which was how they had ended up on the porch now sitting on the bench swing.
> 
> “Jared you have to remember that he lost someone too” Katie placed a hand on his arm. “What his brother did” she took a breath “what his brother did was not his fault. He didn’t ask, tell, or command his brother to hurt anyone. His brother was sick and in his mind was helping Jensen even when Jensen told him to forget what had happened to him. Daniel may have killed Greg and those other people but he died as well. Jensen lost him as much as we lost Greg.”
> 
> Jared knew that his attacker, Daniel, Jensen’s brother Daniel had died but he never really registered what that meant in relation to other people not his victims.
> 
> “From what I understand Daniel was not only his brother but almost his parent and most certainly his best friend. And while we almost lost you along with Greg you are still here and Jensen lost Daniel and his parents when they found out why Daniel had done what he did. That was everything to Jensen not just one person he saw a few times a year.
> 
> Jared almost cringed at that last jab Katie had given in her reasoning. Jared hadn’t gotten along with Greg completely despite their close age. For one his parents hadn’t been all that close with Greg’s parents so they didn’t see each other all that often. Also the way they were raised was vastly different and provided a large gap between their personalities that sometimes clashed when they saw each other. Christmas had been a time when they were civil towards each other and the giddiness of the holiday had covered many of the faults they saw in the other. That was the whole reason Jared had agreed to visit Greg in the first place and take that fateful shopping trip to the mall with him.
> 
> “But why didn’t he just tell me when he found out who I was? Why hide it and keep it a secret? If I hadn’t done my own digging and found out he might have never told me” Jared was still a bit angry and bitter about that point.
> 
> Katie sighed and cocked her head at him as if search out the stupid in him that made him ask those questions. Finding that he must not know the obvious answer she shook her head and asked her own question. “Do you remember what it was like after, when you have recovered enough to get out of the hospital?”
> 
> Jared though back to the time he had been released to go home from the hospital still weak and recovering but alive. It had been a tough road with all the doctor’s visits and therapy and smothering family members. On top of that there were all his friends, his classmates, people he didn’t know stopping him on the street or sending him letters or trying to call. Lastly there were all the reporters who seemed to be everywhere he turned all the time and just wouldn’t seem to go away even a year after. “Yeah” he huffed out still apparently not getting it by Katie’s standards.
> 
> “Jared you had enough support you could have had your own miniature army to oppose all the strangers and reporters that hung around. Hell you even changed your name when you went back to school to get them to leave you alone and they were all in favor of you. Now take away all that support and reverse the feelings of your media stalkers. That was what Jensen was facing for the year or so you were center stage for the nation for stopping mass violence. He took a page right out of your book and tried to get away. Then you found each other and had this great thing before you basically tell him that you are part of probably the worst moment of his life. If it was the worst part of his life he has to know it was for you too. How do you face someone who by all the media talk and public opinion and even his families actions blames you for the worst part of their life?”
> 
> As Katie spoke he got a cold feeling in the pit of his stomach that branched out to his limbs and made him numb with guilt and shame over how he had last treated Jensen. It was true that Jensen was connected to his almost death and hard fought recovery but not in the way he had always imagined in his head. He knew Daniel had Schizophrenia and logically Jensen had no control over that and how Daniel reacted with it. In his mind Daniel had done what he though was right and okay to do in his own twisted logic. Jensen hadn’t even known until after the whole incident was over. Losing Daniel who he had been so close to even in his own admissions had probably hurt just as much if not more them him losing Greg. Then he’d had his family to support him to the point he wanted to hide from them at times they were so stifling in their care.
> 
> Jared had read in papers later and heard through gossip about court proceedings and town gossip that Jensen’s parents had split and left him to the care of some relatives. The media who had flocked to the area had painted him as an all American boy who could have been the son, brother, nephew, classmate, ext. of any good family in America. He was perfect and why did this bad thing have to happen and if it happened to him who else could it happen to? They were interested in his recovery, in what he wanted to do with his life as it had been spared, was he going to amount to something great with such a life changing experience. They couldn’t say a bad thing about him besides glossing over he was gay as his family had accepted him and wouldn’t take any flak from anyone who said otherwise. At the same time Jensen was almost the epitome of evil in lieu of Daniel being dead. Jensen was a troubled boy who came from a bad and broken home. He was immoral being gay and using his brother’s illness to his own gain sending him to hurt other people, good people. Jensen had been quiet and smart which meant he must have been deviously planning things to do to the good people he didn’t like. They had been total opposites to the media and in their home lives. But they had both been affected the same by the incident at the mall and they were still both suffering from it in their own ways.
> 
> If he was honest Jensen had made him feel better when he talked about it with him even though he hadn’t given all the details. Had shared with him similar feelings and ways to help himself when he got stuck on the past. At the time he had no idea they had been talking about the same thing and he should have realized that they were but that was on both of them. True finding out the connection would make anyone mad but he had taken it to the extreme. He hadn’t allowed Jensen to explain or to talk with him about it. He had shut Jensen down and out and done some nasty things after that if his momma know would chew him out. And Jensen, Jensen had just taken it like ha had been doing for the past ten years because it was what he expected. Even now after so much had changed and people knew and understood so much more it was like none of the past ten years of change had mattered when it came to Jensen. He knew that Jensen had dropped out of school and moved but he didn’t know where. He had to find Jensen and make it right and tell him that he loved him because it was true. Jared had loved Jensen, he still loved Jensen hand he had hurt Jensen. He knew he had to find him and if nothing else apologize and he knew just where to start looking.
> 
> Three days later after a major chewing out from both his parents, lots of internet searches and flights made and hotels booked and cars rented and a small fortune spent he had met up with Christian Kane after one of his concerts. He came out of that encounter with a bruised jaw, bloody nose and lip and a black eye. But he also got an address for Jensen.
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
> 1997
> 
> It had been months since the shooting and Jared was doing much better even if he still had a ways to go before he was fully recovered. He was still mostly bed (or couch if he begged) ridden with lots of physical therapy ahead once he was on his feet and the doctors had said something about PTSD. He guessed the PTSD had to do with the nightmares he had reliving the shooting in his head only making it worse than it was. But it wasn’t that that was getting him down lately even if it was part of the over all problem. No right now he just wanted to be anybody but Jared Padalecki, he wanted to get away from who he was.
> 
> Everyone wanted his attention and wanted to see him, talk to him and wanted to know all about him and wanted to help him or praise him in some way. He wasn’t anybody special like a celebrity or sports player or political figure. He was just a boy who had gone through a bad all be it tragic experience and come out a little damaged but still alive. It didn’t entitle him to anything especially all the attention that was surrounding him, his family and this town. But the papers were making everything out as if he was some kind of hero. There had been a hero but that hero wasn’t Jared. The hero in this story had died that horrible night and the heroes after that were the police and medical staff who had helped the injured. Jared was just unfortunate enough to be in the wrong place at the wrong time and fortunate enough to survive.
> 
> Sometimes when everything became too much he thought for a fleeting second what it would have been like if he hadn’t made it, but then felt guilty and angry for that thought. He thinks he would be a lot happier if everyone would stop bugging him and just let him rest and get better in peace. If this was how things were going to be in the future he would change his name and move away. Then he wondered if that would be possible and what he would have to do to get it done. His family would object there was no doubt about it. He couldn’t walk and they were taking care of him there was no way they would let him go if he couldn’t take care of himself and they would be damned if they were going to pay for someone else to do what they could for free and with more love then a stranger. Also even if he did change his name and go right now he would be recognized anywhere as his face was known to just about the whole US. His sister had teased him for an autograph from the lone survivor and shown him a copy of Time Magazine with his face on the cover. Granted there were faces of the other victims but his picture was the largest and there were others inside as well. So unless he moved to some small backwoods town that didn’t get a lot of news he was stuck for now. As the days began to pass he wondered if he would be forever known as the lone survivor the one who got away. Changing his name or image would not erase what was already out there and anyone who spoke his name of knew it would know or find out what had happened. He might never escape it and it was depressing to think of it following him around. To have the past proceed him and taint everything in the future. Then event itself hadn’t lasted all that long but it’s legacy would as long as the information was out there or there was someone who could talk about it. He hated to think that anyone he might meet in the future would judge him for what had happened in his past. It’s not like it was his fault he didn’t ask for it or the attention it caused.
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
> 2007
> 
> It was late just about closing when the bell over the door sounded as someone came in and Jensen wanted to groan. He hated it when people can in right before closing and held them up from leaving. He headed towards the counter grabbing the few cups left out on tables as he went not bother to look at the idiot who can in until he was almost upon the. When he did see who it was he dropped the tray he’d been carrying and the few dishes that had been on it shattered loudly when they hit the floor. Jared was standing there at the counter looking right at him.
> 
> “Jensen” he said the looked down at the mess on the floor with a frown “I can um, I can pay for that.”
> 
> “Wh-what do you want Jared” he hated how shaky his voice sounded.
> 
> “Can I talk to you? In private” he added seeing the death glare Danneel was giving him.
> 
> Danneel was one of his closest friends baring Chris and Steve right now. She had gotten him drunk and talking one night not long after they had met and learned all about him and his past and didn’t care one bit. If he was straight he would have loved her. Jared had sounded tried and his request was pretty much a plea and Jensen just didn’t care anymore. He had loved Jared and was still trying to get over him. Whatever was said now might help him but also fuel his old need. How crazy was it that he still wanted Jared so much that he was about to talk to him and hear whatever crap was about to be dished out just so he could be around him just a little longer.
> 
> “Could you?” he gestured to the mess with a sweeping motion addressing Danneel before stepping around it knowing she would. She might hate it but she would giving him a moment with Jared. “This way” he moved towards the far end of the counter and around it and back into the staging area of the kitchen Jared following along behind him. They only got a few feet past the door when he stopped and faced Jared. He waited for Jared to start the conversation as it was Jared who had come to him and after a moment of awkward silence Jared began.
> 
> “I think I made a big mistake Jen” Jared ran a hand threw his hair and blew out a breath.
> 
> He was going to say something, he wasn’t sure what but something his mouth opening already when Jared held up a hand to stop him.
> 
> “No just hear me out okay” when Jared saw he wasn’t going to object he went on. “I made a mistake when I hurt you and made you leave. I was angry at everything and took it all out on you when you didn’t deserve any on if. Most of it was anger at the past which I can’t change. I have learned a lot since then and some I things I knew I just never thought about because I didn’t want to. A big example is how wrong the media treated you and portrayed me and my family. When it came out about what my cousin Greg and his friends had done to you I was still so messed up that I didn’t really care. And I know that it isn’t right but back then no one really cared if people played jokes like that on so called fagots. I know to a lot of people I was in that latter group but as long as I was the injured innocent all American boy they kinda over looked that about me. Times and opinions have come a long ways since then and they still have a long way to go but right now, here in California it doesn’t really matter what we are. I know who I am and my family knows and doesn’t care so I don’t care what others think. I also know that you are not responsible for what Daniel did and I don’t care what other people have to say about that either. I love you and I don’t care what happened in the past, that was then, this is now and it’s what matters. If you still love me I want there to be a future. If we have to start again, if I have to call you some other name, if we have to move I don’t care. I know what I want.”
> 
> Tears were streaming down his cheeks as Jared talked and happiness began to flow through him with each word Jared said until he felt full to burst. Jared loved him and wanted him and was willing to do what sound like just about anything to have him. When Jared finished he just waited for him to say anything. He wiped the tears off his face and sniffled a little trying to gain some composure before saying anything.
> 
> “I think it would be good if he just started over” he managed to get out and had to clear his throat before going on. “I think you should go out now” he waved at the door.
> 
> “Oh, uh okay” Jared’s shoulders slumped as he turned and walked out to the front of the café.
> 
> He took a few deep calming breaths before he went back out. When he got to the counter Jared was just going out the door Danneel close behind starting at him. As soon as the door closed behind Jared he huffed. “Dani could you tell him that he forgot to get something.”
> 
> Danneel looked at him for a second before a big grin spread over her face. She had been eavesdropping. She opened the door and stepped out but kept ti cracked open with a foot as she called out to Jared.
> 
> “Hey mister” her voice was loud but not angry and Jared turned to her “you forgot to order.”
> 
> Jared just stood there for a moment looking at her as if she was speaking another language before something must have clicked in his brain and a smile flashed over his face showing dimples. Jared walked back to her and she opened the door stepping out of the way as Jared moved past and came up to the counter. Jared pretended to look at the menu then looked at him right in the eyes.
> 
> “Hi I’m Jensen Ackles what can I get you” He smiled and he ran through the line with his name added.
> 
> “Jared Padalecki, and I’m not sure you can help me, you see what I want isn’t on the menu” Jared didn’t look away from him their gazes locked.
> 
> “And what is that we might have it on the secret menu for special customers” Jensen fought not to smirk or laugh.
> 
> “You, it would be under love at first sight” Jared’s old humor and playfulness showed through on his cheesy line.
> 
> “Well then it must be fate because that is the special of the day and since you are the last customer it must be for you” Jensen played right back.
> 
> “Best deal I have ever heard, how much?” Jared placed his hands on the counter and leaned forward a bit but still didn’t look away.
> 
> He licked his lips placing his own hands on the counter almost touching Jared’s and moving forward so their faces were an inch apart “a kiss.”
> 
> “Perfect” Jared said and surged forward and kissed him.
> 
>  
> 
> The End

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading, please feel free to leave comments and tell me how I did!

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you all for reading please feel free to leave comments and tell me hoe I did!


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